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How We Use Others to Manage Our Insides

1,000 chances to observe yourself.

Kathleen Smith

Feb 2

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**Black**-**winged stil. Source: Shutterstock**

We are continuously modifying our relationships, and they are continuously modifying us.

In a single day, how many times are you looking to another person and adjusting yourself? Letting the other person modify you? Trying to change the other person?

And I’m not just talking about behavior changes. Our physiology changes, moment to moment, based on what’s happening in relationships. Or even what we imagine is happening.

There are a thousand potential moments in a day to:

Observe relationship patterns.
Have a little more choice in them.

This is nothing but good news to me. If you miss a bus, you just catch the next one. Because it’s coming, Denise. There are humans out there.

What do some of these moments look like? Let me give you some examples.

You do something for your child they can do for themselves.
You let a call go to voicemail.
You coach your sister on how to talk to your mother.
You stop talking because you don’t know what to say to a new acquaintance.
You text a friend to complain about something in the news.
You tell someone you like their outfit.
You interrupt someone in a meeting, finishing their sentence.
You sit next to someone who doesn’t make you anxious.
You pretend to agree with someone so they won’t get upset.
You scroll social media to find opinions that match yours.
You go to self-checkout at the store because you don’t want to interact with a human.
You disagree with someone simply because you don’t like them.
You think about how someone could do their job better.
You ask your partner for reassurance about a decision.

Observing these iterations, these modifications, helps you be more neutral about them. Neutrality isn’t about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about seeing the process of how you get steady, appreciating both its benefits and costs, and making choices based on these facts.

And then the change happens, moment to moment. Sometimes big moves are a part of growing up, but often it’s the small, thoughtful moves that build a life that is more consistent with your beliefs and best thinking.

What would it look like to get better at noticing these moments? Could you take a day, or week, or even a hour-long meeting or dinner with your family to see what you notice?

Here are some questions you can ask:

When am I recruiting others to calm my insides?
When am I managing others to calm my insides?
When am I avoiding others to calm my insides?
When are others recruiting me to calm their insides?
Is there a way to function a little outside of these patterns?

Similar posts:

Not Everything Has to Be Discussed
Becoming Less Allergic to the Reactivity in Others (paid subscribers)
Is There Anything Else on the Menu? (paid subscribers)
The Fake Maturity of Emotional Distance

News from Kathleen

WRITING WORKSHOP! Check out my online Feb 17 writing workshop with the Family Systems Institute in Sydney. (Note that it will be the evening of Monday Feb 16 for many of you in the U.S.).

The paperback version of True to You is dropping in March. You can preorder it wherever you buy books.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing family systems work with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.