Every day we borrow confidence and calmness from others. We act as if others have fairy dust they can sprinkle over our anxiety. As if they have access to the future, or to reasoning, logic, and clarity that we cannot possibly summon ourselves. As a child, I asked my parents to repeat certain phrases to me when they put me to bed. If they didn’t, I was certain my stuffed animals would burst into flames. I grew out of this compulsion, but like any human, on a stressful day I’m still sending out invitations for others to manage or reassure me. To fill in the gaps of my functioning rather than engage my capacity for good thinking. Are you teaching others to calm you down? Let me give you some examples of what it might look like to shift from recruiting the other to taking responsibility for your own distress. Other-focus: Asking your partner, “It’s going to be okay, right?” Self-focus: Telling your partner, “I don’t feel like it’s going to be okay, but my thinking says it is.” Other-focus: You’re dating someone and need them to check in with you regularly, so you don’t assume they’re going to ghost you or break up with you. Self-focus: Your quantity and quality of communication reflect what you think is respectful and appropriate. You see what the other does, and make decisions about the relationship based on their maturity. Other-focus: You don’t let your child leave the house without hugging you, because you assume something tragic will happen to them if you don’t. Self-focus: You value slowing down and saying goodbye to people because you care about them. You recognize that being human, you will not have a 100% success rate with this. Other-focus: You message your colleagues, “Am I crazy for thinking our boss has unrealistic expectations?” Self-focus: You get clear about what you think and what you’re willing to do, and you communicate this thinking if needed. Other-focus: You say to your mother, “Please tell me you’re going to ask the doctor this question, because it’s important okay? I don’t want to worry about you.” Self-focus: You say, “If it were me, here’s a question I’d have for my doctor. What questions do you have?” Like cows licking each other’s heads to lower heart rate, humans are built to manage each other’s distress. But one would hope we have more of a choice about when to engage that energy from others. Or whether we want to strengthen our own muscles of self-regulation. What can happen in a relationship when a person becomes a little more capable of calming themselves down? It frees up energy in the other. They’re not stuck with the hot potato of your anxiety, lying awake at night while you sleep like a baby. It creates more capacity to be interested in each other’s challenges. It creates more closeness. Questions:
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News from KathleenNo news this week. But it’s peak cherry blossom bloom, so I’m enjoying a weather-induced boost in functioning.
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petak, 27. ožujka 2026.
Are You Teaching People to Calm You Down?
Open for a real page-turner 📖
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