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Why Are We So Bothered by What's Predictable?

Kathleen Smith

Aug 6

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French Angora rabbits at Shelburne Farms in Vermont. Photo by me!

When humans are distressed, we become astonishingly uncreative in our relationships. We give in, give up, or take over. We huddle together. Or we offload our frustration into a different relationships.

But somehow, people (I am people) can spend a great deal of time acting surprised by these adaptations to stress.

Have you ever acted surprised, annoyed, or outraged by these behaviors in others?

People who act helpless when they face a challenge.
People who leave the room whenever there’s conflict.
People who talk too much or think too much on behalf of another.
People who complain to a third person rather than addressing the issue with the original person.
A leader who relies on others to do everything for them.
A leader who wants to overfunction for everyone.
A parent who anxiously accommodates a child.
A friend who needs constant reassurance.

If so, how much time did you spend fixating on this behavior, complaining about it to others, or trying to fix it? In periods of stress, it can become a favorite hobby.

Poking at how other people get steady is yet another automatic way to get steady. You can be just as driven by reactivity as the person on whom you’re focused.

How does a person move from acting surprised to being intrigued by relationship patterns? A more curious individual can look at a new workplace, or a transition moment in the family, and say, Okay. Here’s the playing field. What do I want to do with myself? What might I anticipate initially in this system as I try to be me and relate to people?

That is a fundamentally different way of engaging with the immaturity of others than looking down from a position of superiority. When you assume that you’re no better than anyone else, that frees you up to get creative. You don’t need to poke or point at the other to manage your own distress.

As anxiety goes up in a system, people lock into these familiar patterns. Others will act like this is the most shocking thing ever. How could it be useful to you, and the relationship system, to stay a little outside of this? To have a little more variability in how you respond to stress?

Questions:

When have you acted shocked by predictable behaviors?
How did a focus on these behaviors (or people) help manage your own anxiety?
What might it look like to move from surprise to curiosity in how you relate to another, or to a relationship system?

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Reading: The Grasmere and Alfoxden Journals by Dorothy Wordsworth.

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