͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏

Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more

How Do You Know if You’re Growing Up?

Key performance indicators for emotional maturity.

Kathleen Smith

Sep 4

READ IN APP

Family of grey-handed night monkeys in Colombian Rainforest. Source: Shutterstock

Yesterday I was listening to Cal Newport’s podcast. He was outlining his ideas for measuring how well a person can think. He calls them cognitive key performance indicators (KPIs).

His criteria:

How many minutes can you stay focused on “conceptual non-fiction reading” without context switching (i.e. checking your phone, getting up to get a drink, etc.)? (He mentions Teddy Roosevelt reading a book a day in the White House, which is wild.)
How long can you maintain meditation or problem-solving when you’re on a walk?
How well can you construct a solidly written argument based on your beliefs?

It got me thinking about what the KPIs would be for emotional maturity in my relationship system?

Maybe the criteria would look like:

How long can you listen to your child/parent/spouse without telling them what to do?
How long can you talk with a family member or friend about each other before starting to focus on a third person who isn’t present?
To what degree can you speak for yourself rather than others? (I-ing vs. We-ing and You-ing)
How well can you formulate and communicate a thought when someone else is really stirred up?

Do you think working on Cal’s cognitive KPI’s would influence one’s maturity? And vice versa?

Obviously thinking differently about the relationship system helps a person engage it differently. Charging into a visit with your mother, trying to will-power your way through her quirks without snapping at her, isn’t going to work. Curiosity has to have some breathing space. The therapy office, or the quiet time with a notebook and pencil, is the thinking space.

But the relationship is the playing field. So how do you get in your reps?

My questions for you:

What do you measure or evaluate when it comes to your own cognitive functioning?
What do you measure when it comes to your own emotional maturity?
What would be the evidence, the key indicators, that growth was happening?

Feel free to drop your thoughts in the comments.

Similar posts:

News from Kathleen

Reading: Remember: The Science of Memory and the Art of Forgetting by Lisa Genova. Definitely going to dedicate a post to this one soon.

**BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you.

Email me if you want me to teach your organization about systems thinking, or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation/therapy with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.

You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.

Upgrade to paid