How much effort have you put into trying to teach someone to be nicer to you? To not take a dig at you? When couples or family members are stuck in conflict, they often reply, “A lot.” “My partner won’t stop taking digs at me,” is one of the most common complaints I hear from people in therapy. The dig-taking is seen as a character flaw in the other, rather than one part in a relationship pattern. In couples therapy, people are taught how to use I-statements. “I felt hurt when you said X. I feel ashamed when you pointed out Y.” Fair enough. But an I-statement is sometimes an attempt to manage the other. It is fusion in disguise. When people lead with their own thinking, and their own maturity, instead of trying to change the other, the mean comments will often fizzle out on their own. Let me give you some examples. ... Keep reading with a 7-day free trialSubscribe to The Anxious Overachiever to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives. A subscription gets you:
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