No one has magic that you don't have.

͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­

	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Are You Teaching People to Calm You Down? No one has magic that you don't have. Kathleen Smith Mar 27   READ IN APP   Calf licking its buddy on the face. Source: Shutterstock Every day we borrow confidence and calmness from others. We act as if others have fairy dust they can sprinkle over our anxiety. As if they have access to the future, or to reasoning, logic, and clarity that we cannot possibly summon ourselves. As a child, I asked my parents to repeat certain phrases to me when they put me to bed. If they didn’t, I was certain my stuffed animals would burst into flames. I grew out of this compulsion, but like any human, on a stressful day I’m still sending out invitations for others to manage or reassure me. To fill in the gaps of my functioning rather than engage my capacity for good thinking. Are you teaching others to calm you down? Let me give you some examples of what it might look like to shift from recruiting the other to taking responsibility for your own distress. Other-focus: Asking your partner, “It’s going to be okay, right?” Self-focus: Telling your partner, “I don’t feel like it’s going to be okay, but my thinking says it is.” Other-focus: You’re dating someone and need them to check in with you regularly, so you don’t assume they’re going to ghost you or break up with you. Self-focus: Your quantity and quality of communication reflect what you think is respectful and appropriate. You see what the other does, and make decisions about the relationship based on their maturity. Other-focus: You don’t let your child leave the house without hugging you, because you assume something tragic will happen to them if you don’t. Self-focus: You value slowing down and saying goodbye to people because you care about them. You recognize that being human, you will not have a 100% success rate with this. Other-focus: You message your colleagues, “Am I crazy for thinking our boss has unrealistic expectations?” Self-focus: You get clear about what you think and what you’re willing to do, and you communicate this thinking if needed. Upgrade to paid Other-focus: You say to your mother, “Please tell me you’re going to ask the doctor this question, because it’s important okay? I don’t want to worry about you.” Self-focus: You say, “If it were me, here’s a question I’d have for my doctor. What questions do you have?” Like cows licking each other’s heads to lower heart rate, humans are built to manage each other’s distress. But one would hope we have more of a choice about when to engage that energy from others. Or whether we want to strengthen our own muscles of self-regulation. What can happen in a relationship when a person becomes a little more capable of calming themselves down? It frees up energy in the other. They’re not stuck with the hot potato of your anxiety, lying awake at night while you sleep like a baby. It creates more capacity to be interested in each other’s challenges. It creates more closeness. Questions: Who knows how to calm you down because you taught them? When did you get mad because someone didn’t take on the task of regulating you? How do you respond when others try to recruit you to manage their distress? How do you know if it’s a useful time to accept comfort, support, and the wisdom of others? Similar posts: 7 Things to Say When People Want You to Manage Their Anxiety (paid subscribers) Is There Something Better than Closeness? Calmness Isn’t Capability Becoming Less Allergic to the Reactivity in Others (paid subscribers) The Anxious Overachiever is a reader-supported publication. To receive more posts and access the giant archive, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Or stick with free! Upgrade to paid News from Kathleen No news this week. But it’s peak cherry blossom bloom, so I’m enjoying a weather-induced boost in functioning. **BONUS JOURNAL FOR TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing family systems work with me. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me. Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram. Upgrade to paid You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2026 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe