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Adding Cognitive Spice to the Family Gathering

The Art of Creating Playful, Salient Experiences

Kathleen Smith

Nov 12

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Chimpanzees grooming each other. Source: Shutterstock

When you think of people working on their family relationships, what do you imagine? Are people stuck in a windowless therapy office? Are they gathered around the kitchen table, hashing it out? Sitting on Grandma’s ancient couch, listening to a story they’ve heard a million times?

This year I read a beautiful book called Your Brain on Art: How the Arts Transform Us by Susan Magsamen and Ivy Ross. And it really challenged me to think about how the arts are not a distraction when it comes to growing up, but an undervalued tool.

Salient stimuli help us remember, stay connected, and stay open-minded. None of which are always easy to do with our families, our religious communities, and other groups. So by taking some of the research from the book, here are some of my ideas to help family gatherings (or any gathering) be more salient.

Play a game.

As Plato famously said, ‘You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.’ - Your Brain on Art, pg. 150

It’s true that some families and groups play all the time to avoid important discussions. But I would guess that most of us aren’t playing enough. This could look like:

Making up a trivia game about family history.
Booking an hour at an escape room.
Each generation teaching another a game they love.
Opening up sports play to the older and youngest members.

You learn something about the family system, and individuals, by observing how they play (or whether they play at all).

Make space for humor.

Dopamine is vital to learning: it helps with goal-oriented motivation and in the laying down of long-term memory, which is crucial to retention. Humor is a learning juggernaut. - (Your Brain on Art, pg. 149)

If you’ve been having fun with someone, or sharing funny stories, you are more likely to remember important details about their lives, or learn something from them. This could look like:

Asking people to share funny stories about deceased relatives.
Ask them about a classic prank that happened in the family.
Sharing the funniest joke you’ve heard this year.
Playing a social game that naturally creates humor.

Make some art.

The act of drawing has been shown to release serotonin and endorphins that foster a more generous, open frame of mind. - Your Brain on Art, pg. 63

How many family Thanksgivings could have been saved if they’d passed out coloring books? I used to think that doodling or coloring was only a way of distancing from others, but it turns out that you actually retain information better than if you aren’t drawing. So you’re actually more likely to remember your aunt’s story about her recent surgery if you’re making some art. So consider:

Having coloring books available (mandalas seems to be particularly mind-opening)
Doing an art project with the younger set.
Draw a picture of the group instead of taking yet another photo.
Play a game with drawing (my personal favorite is Telestrations).

Play some music.

The book details neuroscientist Daniel Levitin’s research where he played music as students came into the classroom. (It motivated them to come to class early because they didn’t want to miss the music, pg. 146). People perform higher on memory tests when learning includes music. Incorporating music to gatherings could look like:

Having soft accompaniment playing at gatherings.
Engaging the musicians in the group to play something.
Having older and younger people teach each other dances.
Playing a game which involves music.

One of my late mom’s favorite games was to put a bunch of words in a basket, and then teams picked a word and had to sing a line from as many songs as they could think of that included the word in the lyrics.

Get out in nature.

People who are actively experiencing awe have less need for self-regulation and higher tolerance for uncertainty. - Your Brain on Art, pg. 181

We tend to be less anxious around people when we’re standing in a forest than if we’re huddled around a dinner table. All connecting doesn’t have to happen in the living room. Getting out in nature could look like:

Taking a hike or walk together.
Sitting out at night to look at the stars.
Having a meal somewhere with a good view (Vistas reduce anxiety.).
Teaching people what kind of trees are in the yard or neighborhood (I need this lesson).
Picking out something to plant in the yard.

Think about the gatherings you have coming up in the next few months. You can hope that something salient will happen, or you can create that salience with just a little bit of effort. There’s a lot we don’t know about the brain, but when it comes to art, the science is pretty clear.

“Curiosity is a building block of flourishing,” write Magsamen and Ross. We are more likely to pay attention to those we love, and be interested in their challenges, if we help our brain a little along the way.

What creativity would you like to bring to gatherings in the coming weeks? Feel free to drop an idea in the comments.

Questions:

What role have humor, play, art, music, or nature played in the life of your family?
What ideas are cooking in your brain right now?
When have you noticed yourself being more open to others, and what were you doing that potentially helped that openness?
When has play or humor been a way to distance rather than connect?

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News from Kathleen

Watching: Pluribus. Already deep into the Reddit threads on this one.

Listening to: Guillermo Cancio-Bello’s lovely conversation with Kathleen Cotter-Cauley about vocation and relationship systems.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.