Where are you dumping your distress?

͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­

	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more How to Spread Information Without Spreading Anxiety Where are you dumping your distress? Kathleen Smith Oct 14   READ IN APP   Giant river otters in Pantanal. Source: Shutterstock Anxiety loves to hitch a ride on our conversations. We pull in people to chat, not to relay information but to pass along our distress like a holiday fruitcake. Somebody has to eat it, but it’s not going to be me. But on a thoughtful day, people manage to peel some of their insecurities and frustrations off of their thinking. Because thinking is more interesting, more flavorful when it’s not weighed down by reactivity. How do you let people know what’s going on, without inviting them to take on your anxiety? Or without trying to manage their response? Three questions help me think about this challenge. What’s useful for people to know? What’s just anxiety I’m looking for someone to manage? When is a conversation just the reactivity spilling over from another tense relationship? Here are some examples of what it might look like when a person is relaying information rather than spreading anxiety in a relationship. Spreading anxiety: Trying to convince your mother you’re making the right decision about going back to school. Spreading information: Letting your mother know some of the thinking that went into the decision to go back to school. Spreading anxiety: Asking your spouse to reassure you that you are a good parent who is making good choices. Spreading information: Letting your spouse know about how you’d like to grow as a parent and what you’ve been trying to work on. Spreading anxiety: Telling a colleague all the ridiculous things your boss did while the colleague was on vacation. Spreading information: Telling a colleague what the current challenges are, and who she might find it useful to connect with. Spreading anxiety: “Livestreaming” your anxiety when your adult children ask about your health. Spreading information: Saying, “Here are the three facts about my health I think are important for you to know.” Spreading anxiety: Complaining to your sister about your father’s dating life. Spreading information: Talking about the interesting situation of having a parent who is dating, and how you’re trying to manage yourself in those relationships. This doesn’t mean that your thinking won’t stir others up, because sometimes it will. But what a gift it is to connect with someone who is giving you their thinking and not their reactivity to manage. What happens when someone tries to be more responsible for what they do with their distress? They begin to see their capabilities, the reality that they don’t have to toss their anxiety automatically into relationships to be managed. Sometimes we will, and that’s okay. But being more thoughtful about this process is a muscle worth exercising. Questions for you: How do you know when you’re handing over your anxiety to be managed? Recently, when have you been able to think out loud with less intensity? In what relationships is it easy to dump your distress? What do you want to try to make happen? Similar posts: Not Everything Has to Be Discussed The Ways We Use Relationships to Get Comfortable (paid subscribers) The Hidden Tension Behind Your Talking The Anxious Overachiever is a reader-supported publication. To receive all posts and access the giant archive, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Or stick with free! Upgrade to paid News from Kathleen It was great fun being interviewed by Dan and Amy Langford on their podcast, Undressing Intimacy. Speaking: I’ll be at the Western Pennsylvania Family Center’s fall conference this week in Pittsburgh, hanging with other Bowen theory folks. Then on Oct 24th, I’ll be speaking virtually for the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me. Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Upgrade to paid You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2025 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe