Take a moment and think of all the friends, family, and colleagues you feel you “should” contact to catch up. For me, it’s a long list that generates a bit of anxiety. Anxiety that stalls instead of inspires. It’s fascinating how having constant technological access to each other can have the opposite effect. Therapy clients often get stalled when they think of their relationships as a to-do list. At the end of the day, after work, parenting, traffic, etc., the last thing we want is more tasks to tick off the list. And doesn’t texting someone, “How are you?” add one more item to theirs? May I suggest that the best kind of contact is not efficient in the slightest? That we become more connected to people when we’re open to more than a five-minute life update? I often suggest that people focus more on how they want to function than anxiously making a list of names. If a person wants to be kind, interested, open, and exuberant about their interests, then family and friends become the playing field for living out those principles. Then the contact becomes about moving into a more solid version of yourself than it is about keeping people happy or feeling like you’re a good daughter or brother or friend. What if your relationships weren’t a to-do list, but a scavenger hunt for growing up a little? Here are some starting questions:
What would you add to your list? A good question can propel one more than an anxious “should.” It makes us curious enough to risk the tension or the loss of time we could always spend on other tasks. There will always be responsibilities that feel more urgent that good contact, but none that are more useful for becoming one’s self. That’s it for Friday! I’ll be back next week for paid subscribers with more thoughts on Christine Rosen’s book The Extinction of Experience. Similar posts: No amount of therapy will replace calling your mother. Or your cousin. Seeing People as They Are (paid subscribers) Cracking Open a Closed Relationship System News from KathleenIt was lovely spending time with the folks at Healthy Congregations this month. I’ve also been doing some training on systems thinking for museums, think tanks, and other orgs. Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you please leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
Want to read more of my writing? Read my other book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs.
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petak, 30. svibnja 2025.
Your Relationships Aren't a To-Do List
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