🌀 The low-maintenance friendship

How to make the most of these low-lift friendships.

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This is an ode to the low-maintenance friends. The ones that never drain your social battery, don't require actual plans to hang out, and always seem to pick back up wherever you left off—whether it's been five days or five months since your last check-in.   Even though monthly FaceTime calls or regular couch hangs might not seem like deep bonding, these low-maintenance friendships "are actually a reflection of very deep trust, familiarity, and closeness," says clinical psychologist and friendship expert Miriam Kirmayer, PhD.   But, let's be real, low-maintenance friendships are kind of a luxury as you enter adulthood. Mine all seem to be holdovers from childhood or college—eras when it was easier to become friends with pretty much anyone who shared your interests (or, sometimes, just your proximity). When you're all juggling more demanding schedules and responsibilities, it's harder to make casual friend time happen.   So, how do we make more of these low-lift-high-impact friendships? And how do we maintain them even if they seem to require little maintenance? Let's get into it.   —Casey Gueren, VP of Content       Take stock of your low-maintenance friendships. Most advice about managing loneliness involves getting yourself out there and meeting new people. And that's all great—expanding your circle can definitely help you feel more connected. But if you're generally booked and busy yet still feeling unfulfilled in the friendship department, it might be that you're lacking those low-maintenance friendships. These are the people you can call up for a chill night at home in sweats, or the people you see only a handful of times of year but it feels like no time has passed, explains Dr. Kirmayer. It's not that the people are low-maintenance or that the friendship lacks effort, but there's an underlying level of ease and comfort there. Of course, this is all about balance—you do occasionally need some novelty and new memories with your friends. To figure out where your friendships currently are on that spectrum (and where you want them to be), do some reflection. Dr. Kirmayer suggests asking yourself the following questions: • What do I like doing? • What do I value? • How do I want to be spending my time? • When do I feel most connected to myself or my friends? • What does my social battery feel like these days? Your answers to these questions might differ depending on the day or what you've been up to, so it's worth checking in with yourself on a regular basis as well as before, during, and after social situations—whether that's something exciting like a concert or something more low-key.         • Ditch your plans—adult playdates are the secret to happiness • How to find more "third places" for your casual hangs • 5 not-awkward tips for reaching out when you're feeling lonely • Lonely boys, this one's for you       Invite someone to do nothing.   So, you made a new friend and now you have a buddy for trying out new coffee shops, getting Sunday brunch, and going to that concert you're both excited about. We love that for you. But if this budding friendship is starting to make you feel a little exhausted and/or broke, that's understandable.   "When we meet someone new or when we're in the early stages of a friendship, there is this perceived pressure to want to impress and create new memories together," explains Dr. Kirmayer. Even as time goes on, a lot of us feel like we need to have fun, exciting plans in order to justify asking someone to hang out. But a lot of that pressure is self-imposed, says Dr. Kirmayer. Basically, if you're just craving a night in with pizza and Netflix they might be too.   So, whether this is a new friend or a long-time buddy that you usually only see when there are concrete plans, how can you tell if they might be down for more casual hangs? As weird as it might feel, you just gotta ask. Try something like: "Hey I've been feeling ____ (exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious about my spending, etc.). Would you be interested in something more low-key today like ____?"   "It's not only a helpful strategy to have those needs met, it's also an invitation for our friend to be more open about theirs as well," says Dr. Kirmayer. "Because the key to success when it comes to low-maintenance friendships and low-maintenance hangs is that both people are on the same page."

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