We can all agree that self-care and self-compassion are good things that most of us could use more of, right? Cool. And yet! There seems to be a recent trend (on social media, in pop culture, and maybe even in your group chat) where people are self-caring a bit too close to the sun, leaving a scorched trail of social norms, life goals, and basic responsibilities in their wake.
Now, there's nothing wrong with a little self-compassion, especially if your default mode is beating yourself up. Being kind and supportive toward ourselves when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate—just as we would a friend we care about—is a great habit. When we're dealing with heartbreak, a health issue, or even everyday life stressors, practicing self-compassion enables us to recognize that suffering and setbacks are a part of the human experience, explains Kristin Neff, PhD, associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas Austin.
Similarly, prioritizing self-care, positive affirmations, and sitting with uncomfy feelings without judging them are all fantastic self-love strategies, but…sometimes it can go too far. Always putting your needs first or letting yourself off the hook can really backfire—hurting your relationships and personal growth in the process.
Here are some signs from the experts that you might be cutting yourself too much slack.
1. You flake on things in the name of self-care.
We've all heard the metaphor about putting your own oxygen mask on first. And it's true that the more we care for ourselves, the easier it is to care for others, says Dr. Neff. Maybe that means muting your text notifications after 9 p.m. or rescheduling plans to recharge your social battery when you're exhausted.
But, as Dr. Neff points out, self-compassion is not about prioritizing our own needs at the expense of everyone else. When you do that, you're conflating self-compassion with self-centeredness, says therapist Jeff Guenther, LPC.
For example, if you're feeling burnt out at work, taking that bed-rotting day is a solid self-care strategy, as long as it doesn't require that your coworkers pull an all-nighter to pick up your slack. And if you really want to spend a night on the couch catching up on Bravo, by all means, do it. But maybe not on the same night you promised to be there for your friend's big improv show. In other words, your self-compassion is problematic when it's used as an avoidance tactic, an excuse to break commitments, or a way to bail on responsibilities instead of genuinely supporting yourself.
If this sounds familiar, ask yourself a few questions before you cancel on your next commitment: Does my self-care negatively impact someone else or require them to make a sacrifice? Am I ignoring or dismissing someone else's needs or feelings? Sometimes the answer might be yes because shit happens and you're only human. That said, if taking care of yourself means being unreliable more often than not, that's not self-compassion.
Keep reading for 4 more signs you're going too easy on yourself.
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