Every time I open up to someone I get a vulnerability hangover. What gives?
We've all been there. You're chatting with a new friend or a coworker, and you find yourself getting into the details of your life. That vulnerability starts to feel good, and suddenly you're sharing stories, experiences, or opinions that maybe you normally wouldn't. Maybe it's alcohol-induced, maybe it's not, but you still wake up thinking, Shit.
While you likely did nothing wrong, you may feel anxious about the possibility that you said too much. This experience is what's known as a vulnerability hangover—and it sucks.
While it's not a clinical term, a vulnerability hangover refers to the feelings of regret or discomfort that come after discussing something personal or intimate about yourself (see: being vulnerable), says psychologist Michaela Dunbar, PsychD, HCPC. "It's like an emotional comedown from the high of connecting deeply with someone," Dr. Dunbar explains.
Even if you didn't trauma dump all over the party or go into great detail about your sex life with coworkers, a vulnerability hangover can sneak up on you, says psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD. This feeling can stem from a fear of judgment or social anxiety, but it's also a natural reaction to stepping out of your comfort zone with other people, Dr. Dunbar adds. And sometimes this vulnerability hangover is piggybacking off an actual hangover if you're also someone who deals with day-after-drinking hangxiety.
Generally speaking, a vulnerable moment turns into a vulnerability hangover when you worry that your comments or actions were inappropriate or that they'll change peoples' perception of you, explains Dr. Wang. "Ultimately, when there's a risk that somebody could withdraw connection as a result of what you share, it can trigger that hangover." Unfortunately, that risk is almost always possible.
On top of that, some cultures and communities have very strong values that may impact how free you feel to be vulnerable, explains Dr. Wang. For example, in many Asian cultures, individuals believe their actions represent themselves, their family, other loved ones, and their community at large, she says. So the possibility of ruining an entire family's reputation can make the stakes of being vulnerable feel so much higher.
Plus, if you come from a marginalized community, you might worry about vulnerability being used against you. You could feel like you have to be way more careful because you don't get the benefit of the doubt like people with dominant identities do, says Dr. Wang.
Whatever the root cause is, you don't have to white knuckle your way through those feelings. Keep reading for 5 expert tips for soothing your vulnerability hangover.
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