How can I be way less mean to myself?
So you messed up your calendar and completely ghosted your friend at dinner. So you got scary news from your doctor and couldn't concentrate for the rest of the workday. So *everything* felt extra heavy the past few weeks or months. When shit happens and/or we experience uncomfortable feelings, it's easy to get down on ourselves. Enter: self-compassion.
According to the American Psychological Association, self-compassion means taking a "noncritical stance toward one's inadequacies and failures." Therapists we spoke to see it in a similar light. It's acknowledging when we're in emotional pain and being kind to yourself when that's happening, says Jenna Klein, LCSW. According to Raphael Apter, LMHC, it's giving ourselves grace and supporting ourselves when where we're at isn't where we thought we would be.
The tricky thing is, self-criticism might actually come easier to you than self-compassion. We sometimes learn to be hard on ourselves from our environment. If you're in a friend group where everyone values career success and you're not doing so hot in that department, hating on yourself might come easy, for example, Klein explains. And, at times, the negativity we pile on ourselves comes out of discrimination and mistreatment from others, says Apter. All this to say: It's hard to accept yourself and how you move through life when others don't.
That's why self-compassion is so important. When you choose to show up for yourself no matter what, you're, in a way, expressing self-love, Apter says. You're combating negative thoughts and judgments you hurl inward when mishaps and disappointments and inevitable hard times happen, says Klein.
Of course, if you're not a seasoned pro at being kind to yourself, it might feel unnatural at first, but the more you flex your self-compassion muscle, the easier it'll be, says Klein. Here are seven ways to be more self-compassionate—straight from therapists who help people do just that.
1. Feel your feelings instead of judging them.
You know what doesn't help when you're angry, hurt, or sad? Bullying yourself about what you're feeling and why you can't just snap out of it! You're feeling bad about feeling bad, which isn't at all helpful, says Klein. On the flip side, sitting in the discomfort and being kind to yourself when you're going through it can actually help you surf the emotion a bit easier, she notes.
Klein suggests doing something that enables you to process or release the emotion, like journaling or talking with a friend, instead of avoiding it or hating on it. Name that it's happening—like, "I feel angry" or "I feel disappointed"—and why it's happening, she says.
You can then ask yourself what you need in that moment as you're going through whatever emotion you're going through, she adds. Do you want to take a bath? Talk to your therapist? Go for a walk? Listen to a Taylor Swift album that matches your mood? Pick something that makes you feel like you're taking care of yourself, Klein notes.
Keep reading for 6 more tips on building self-compassion.
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