I’ve got a quiz for you! Gary and Emily’s daughter recently departed for college. Gary wants Emily to stop checking on her so much. Should Emily: A) Take his advice and try to do better, while secretly feeling resentful about his interference. B) Ignore his dumb advice and keep up the intense focus on the daughter. C) Tell him she wouldn’t have to do it so much if he cared about their daughter more. Ridiculous, right? There must be an option D here. But this is exactly how we often act when someone pressures us to change. We end up:
People are going to try to manage you as surely as the sun rises. You can slip into autopilot (those a, b, c, reactions), or you can see it as an invitation to get clearer with yourself about how you want to direct yourself. Option D is differentiation. Who am I? What do I believe? How do I want to function? Maybe Emily could ask herself questions such as,
Then she’s responding with statements like,
Okay, that last one is a joke, but sometimes humor is a good way to remind people that you’re in charge of yourself. Here’s your exercise: Think of a dilemma where someone is directing pressure (or anxiety) towards you. What are those a, b, c reactions you’re likely to fall into? Is there a different way to manage yourself? One that has more to do with your own best thinking, rather than trying to calm or attack the other? Good luck to us all! Similar posts:
News from KathleenReading: Remember: The Science of Memory and the Art of Forgetting by Lisa Genova. **BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you. Email me if you want me to teach your organization about systems thinking, or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation/therapy with me. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.
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