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5 Things to Say Instead of, "Have You Tried . . ."

The unnecessary solutions we offer others.

Kathleen Smith

Jul 17

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Two hooded vultures preening each other. Source: Shutterstock

How many times in a week do you give obvious advice to people? Advice like:

Have you tried Googling it?
Have you set a reminder?
Don’t worry about it.
Have you talked to your doctor?
Have you told them what you think?

Just comically obvious stuff. These automatic responses to the distress of others often do little to help people. They are more about blasting away the anxiety they bring with them to a conversation.

But what do you say, if you don’t always want to say, “Have you tried X?” Here are a few ideas.

“Keep me posted on the challenge.” How do you signal to the other that you are interested in what they do with their problems, and you want to stay connected. Sometimes an “I hear you,” or “I hear your thinking,” is sufficient.
Nothing at all! I think there’s a difference between a distant silence and a thoughtful willingness to tolerate some silence (and anxiety) as people think. Others, of course, can get stirred up by this silence. Many couples fall into this pattern, where one begs the other to say something reassuring. How do you stay connected, without falling into functioning for the other?
“I hope you can get clearer on what you want to do.” This is a kind way of reminding the other that getting clearer is their responsibility.

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“It’s such an interesting challenge, figuring out what to do with X.” This one, of course, has its limits. You probably wouldn’t call someone’s terminal cancer diagnosis an interesting challenge. But if it’s a human problem, I love to say things like, “It is an interesting challenge, trying to figure out how to relate to this cast of humans.”
“I’ve found that my advice is more about calming me down than being helpful to people.” This is a way to communicate a principle you may have, but also to highlight the role that anxiety plays in the pattern. That they could get some of your thinking, but it wouldn’t necessarily be better than their own.

The caveat is that pulling a Kathleen line might come across as inauthentic. Best to come up with your own ideas about how to signal to the other person that:

They are capable and in charge of themselves.
You are interested in what they do with life’s challenges.
You will continue to stay connected to them while they navigate these challenges.
You are able to tolerate the anxiety in the room as they find their way.

When have you been able to pull this off? Drop your ideas in the comments if you like.

I’ll be on vacation for the next two weeks, but I have some fun exercises for paid subscribers in the queue. Free folks, I’ll see you in August! And don’t forget about the Summer of Human Contact challenge!

Questions for you:

In what relationships are you most likely to say, “Have you tried . . .”
What would you like to try to say instead?
What might it look like to successfully manage the anxiety you feel instead of trying to overfunction for the other?

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News from Kathleen

Reading: Famesick by Lena Dunham. I loved Piranesi and now I want to read labyrinth books all summer. My favorite Substacks of late include the inimitable Tina Brown’s Fresh Hell, Tiff’s Cyber Celibate, and Ed Zitron’s Where’s Your Your Ed At?

Listening: If you’re looking for a AI-skeptical computer scientist to follow, I would highly recommend Cal Newport’s podcast, Deep Questions.

**BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation/therapy with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

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