The other day I asked my seven-year-old if she wanted to practice piano. “It’s not a question if you’re pressuring me to do it,” she replied cooly. Honestly, that’s enough for all of us to chew on, isn’t it? When we’re helping someone think through a challenge, there is often a hidden intensity behind our questions. An intensity which communicates: Think what I think. Worry about what I’m worried about. Value what I think is important for you. This is the togetherness force at work. Fine, Kathleen, you might say. But if I respect their individuality, they might make the WRONG decision. Let’s just get through this big challenge, and then I’ll pick a smaller dilemma where I can practice being mature. But do you tend to make good decisions when others are directing that intensity at you? I certainly don’t. I often give in to the pressure and then feel resentful, or I do the opposite of what they want out of spite. (Who doesn’t love a good spite choice from time to time?) Part of my job is to help people think about relationship processes more than outcomes. They can ask themselves questions like: ... Keep reading with a 7-day free trialSubscribe to The Anxious Overachiever to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives. A subscription gets you:
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