Here’s a fun, little survey for you. Have you done any of these things lately?
How much of our economy runs on downward comparison? How much time do you spend wandering the Internet, foraging for other people’s incompetence as your nutrition? Most social mammals are hierarchical. And it’s somewhat useful to know how you’re doing compared to your peers. But how many relationships is the human brain built to track? Certainly not the billions served up via the Internet. Do you really need to check that you’ve been divorced fewer times than a Kardashian. That you’ve had fewer advantages than a nepo baby entrepreneur? Do you need to watch a video of a politician stumbling over their words again? You might ask yourself, “Am I doing this to stay informed, or to prop myself up?" There is an idea in Bowen theory that a more mature person is less reliant on this kind of comparison for energy. They try not to think of themselves as better or worse than anyone. They are a human who is trying to do the best with the challenges they’ve inherited. But how does one do that exactly? Without throwing your phone into the ocean or abandoning all your friends who love the tea? I’m thinking of the slogan I’ve heard from folks in AA: “Identify, don’t compare.” How do you identify with others’ challenges? Not to dismiss their bad behavior, but to think about what they’re up against? Here are some examples: Colleague A: I can’t believe our boss doesn’t know how to find that file. Colleague B: Is it fascinating how people can make their way without certain skills. It makes me wonder what I’ve gotten away with that I should probably learn how to do. Friend A: You won’t believe what [insert any creepy billionaire tech bro] did this week. Friend B: Oh man. What are people doing in response? I need to think about this. Sister A: Remember that time mom forgot to sign us up for school? I can’t believe she did that. Sister B: I do remember that. I wonder if she has a story like that about her mother. It is interesting how families can evolve over time. I’m not trying to feed you lines here. But I do think it’s possible to talk about challenges, and even other people, while passing on the fleeting boost of a downward comparison. Questions for you:
Similar posts: News from KathleenReading: The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feelings, and the Making of Cultures by Antonio Damasio. **BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation/coaching with me. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.
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