What would you label as the defining events in your life or in your family? Early deaths. Severe injury. Job loss. War. A college acceptance. A shocking diagnosis. The sale of the family business. A first date. A divorce. Humans use defining events to make sense of life because we are narrative creatures. Inciting incidents make a story interesting. But relationship processes often shape us more than single events. Because death, divorce, and other challenges happen in the context of relationships. Blame is about getting comfortable. Finding a quick explanation that fits into the narrative. I am this way because my parents split up. He is that way because we sent him to the wrong school. Of course, sometimes events are so cosmic that they do define our lives. The dinosaurs would certainly agree. But when do our explanations leave little room for flexibility? For the reality of what happened? So here’s your second question. What were the daily processes that shaped you? You may think of patterns like:
When we look at the gaps in our functioning, it’s easy to claim they were blasted away by a stick of dynamite. But often, it’s the slower forces of erosion, the thousands of daily interactions we have with others, that shape us. A challenge has an impact, but so does how people respond to the challenge. This is good news. It means we don’t always need defining events to change the story. Instead, we look to the pattern of day-to-day life. Sure, it’s helpful for a kid if they get into a great school. But a parent’s anxious, laser-focused attention on their success can be a bigger obstacle in life than an admissions decision. Cancer is terrible. But how the individual and the family orient themselves around the challenge matters as well. When you think of your own family, or even an organization, when have reactions to events created more problems than the event itself? What did people do with the tension that troubles stir up? When could it have been useful for even one person to say to themselves, I’m going to get clear about how I want to navigate this challenge, and how I’m going to manage the anxiety that accompanies it? I’m not saying that defining events don’t happen. Just that every interaction is an opportunity to define oneself. Here’s what I believe. Here’s what you can expect from me. How we operate is an event in and of itself. It is a gift for the moment and future generations. Questions:
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News from KathleenReading: The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feelings, and the Making of Cultures by Antonio Damasio. **BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation/coaching with me. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.
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