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10 Tips for Becoming a More Anxious Leader

Kathleen Smith

Apr 13

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Queen bee with red dot on back. Source: Shutterstock

I’m often asked to give presentations on being a non-anxious leader. And I get it—who wouldn’t line up to listen to a self-employed, only child tell them about leadership?

But I do know a bit about anxious leadership. So if you’re leading an organization, a congregation, or any group of humans trying to make something happen, let me drop some hot tips on how to crank up your reactivity. Maybe you’re already an expert at one or two of these.

Kathleen’s Hot Tips for Becoming a More Anxious Leader

Spend at least two hours every day checking in with people to make sure they’re not mad at you. Do not fall asleep at the wheel! You should be aware of every ounce of emotional disharmony in the group, so you can snuff it out.
If you don’t get immediate praise after what you thought was a great meeting, make a mental list of everything you said and who probably hated it the most.
You’ll also want to direct a good chunk of your energy toward gathering allies who agree with you. Bonus points if they dislike the same people you do. Only talk to these people.
Try to involve as many outside experts and consultants as possible to solve problems. Bonus points if they used to have a job like yours but got burned out. If that’s too expensive, try a chatbot. It’ll hurt less when people reject thinking that isn’t yours.
From time to time, you might feel tempted to get started on your own task list. This can wait until you’ve taken care of other people’s responsibilities.
Practice looking in the mirror and making up answers to questions for which you have no experience or knowledge. Trust me—people would rather eat your word salad than realize they’re being led by a mortal.
Tell people you have a policy of avoiding triangles, and that you only speak to people who are brave enough to say things to your face. DO NOT move toward anyone who won’t come to you.
People may try to educate you about the history of the group or organization. Honestly, this is just a distraction, because we all know that people’s actions are 100% about you.
It’s impossible to spend too much time explaining something. Make sure to throw in a “Does that make sense?” at the end of every sentence. People need to know you’re anxiously focused on them.
You’ll know you’ve chosen the right way forward when nobody pushes back on the decision. If you get any pushback whatsoever, it’s very important that you go back to the drawing board and pick a new path that upsets the fewest number of people. It can be done!

As I’ve said before, if you’re laughing, then I’ve done my job. What would you add to this list? These behaviors are more about managing the intensity of the moment than putting thinking into action. They ignore that some stirred-up-ness is an inevitable part of the soup.

I think a good leader knows that when the stress kicks up, this kind of feeling-oriented autopilot kicks in. They can catch themselves, and even laugh at themselves, and try to ride the waves of anxiety in the group with some courage.

If you want to read more about leadership, here are a few things I’ve written:

News from Kathleen

Honestly, feeling a little lost now that my emotional support astronauts have splashed down. What a ride.

Reading: When Women Were Birds by Terry Tempest Williams.

Watching: Trust Me: The False Prophet on Netflix, because I will consume any FLDS content. If you haven’t seen Project Hail Mary yet, GO.

**BONUS JOURNAL for the TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or you’re interested in doing family systems consultation with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.