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Clearing the Runway in Our Relationships

How good thinking gets off the ground.

Kathleen Smith

Mar 20

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The blue tit, Parus caeruleus, takes flight. Source: Shutterstock

Have you ever told your spouse, or your child, or a colleague, that it’s important they take on a project themselves? That you’re going to step back and let them manage it?

And how long did it take until you started giving them tips?

Once a therapy client (details changed, of course) wanted to bring her mother in to think about their family system. Any time the mother began to think out loud about the challenges in the family, the daughter would roll her eyes, or try to interrupt, or furiously shake her head at her mother’s perspective.

This woman can’t get a thought off the ground, I thought. There’s no runway. No time or freedom for the thinking part of her brain to engage.

Like flight, there are necessary elements for a person to take some responsibility for themselves. When you’re monitoring the other, it’s easy to focus on the elements that don’t have anything to do with you. But there’s one thing you can do. Get off the runway.

But if I do that, then they’ll never finish this important project for our clients. My spouse will forget to sign my kid up for camp. Chaos will reign.

All possible. But I try to ask myself two questions: What have I been doing? How well is this working?

I know that when people are managing me, I tend to become less capable. Not out of spite (okay, sometimes out of spite), but because the other is blocking my runway. And if I end up doing what they want, it’s more about managing the tension than meeting the goal.

So you know what I’m going to ask you.

Questions:

Whose runway are you blocking?
Where are you so focused on outcomes, that people never get a chance to get interested in the challenge?
Who’s in your way, and how can you let them know that you’re in the pilot’s seat?
When did someone give you the space to get interested in a challenge? What was that like?

Similar posts:

7.5 Things You Can Say Instead of Overfunctioning for Others (paid subscribers)
Have You Considered That People Are Capable?
Are You Playing Base Coach in Your Relationships? (paid subscribers)

News from Kathleen

TODAY at 2pm EST: I’ll be chatting with family therapist Alana C. Smith this afternoon (3/20/26) on “The Elements of Close and Authentic Relationships.” Register here for this free event!

Podcast interview: Listen to me chat about Bowen theory on the Family Business Matters podcast from UNC Kenan-Flagler Business School’s Family Enterprise Center.

**BONUS JOURNAL FOR TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing family systems work with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.

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