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10 Tips for Becoming a More Anxious Presence

A starting point for changing what's automatic.

Kathleen Smith

Mar 12

READ IN APP

Prairie dog sitting in the sand. Source: Shutterstock

When therapy clients struggle to generate ideas for how to work on themselves, I always encourage them to take the opposite approach. Making a list of what you are doing can be a marvelous starting point for change.

So without further ado, here are my ten tips for becoming a more anxious presence in the world.

Under no circumstances should you get out of bed in the morning without looking at your phone. Take extra time to focus on the emails you can’t answer until you get to the office. Tenderly cradle those people in your mind, considering how they can’t accomplish anything until you reply to them.
Remind your children to do something fifteen times and then prepare to act wounded when they haven’t done it. Bonus points if half the reminders are shouted down the stairs or with a toothbrush in your mouth.
At work, try to share your thinking within the first ten minutes of a meeting. This frees up the rest of the hour to reflect on how insane you sounded.
Make sure to text at least three different group chats about the annoying thing a colleague did. Consider which group is the most appropriately outraged—these are your real friends.
Do NOT call your mother back to plan for the upcoming trip you’re taking together. Instead, try to imagine the ridiculous message she left on your voicemail and be mad at it.
Make sure to do at least six things for people that they can do for themselves. Bonus points if they’re saying, “I can do it,” while you’re doing it.
Spend at least an hour thinking about how other people could be more responsible for themselves. If this is too hard, find someone who has thought a lot about how you could be more responsible for yourself. Do whatever they say.
It’s extremely important that you forget everything you’ve accomplished as soon as you do it. Better to focus on what you haven’t done. Complacency is the enemy!
Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you move towards a person who makes you anxious or has different opinions than you. Save that energy for the imaginary conversations you’ll have with them as you lie awake at night.
Save at least an hour in the evening to monitor how media personalities who are paid to create outrage have reacted to every major news event of the day. Bonus points if you try to change the mind of a stranger on the Internet.

If you’re laughing or crying, then I’ve done my job. If you’re mad at me, then you may hate fun and I’m not sure what I can do about that.

I’m not trying to make anyone feel bad. I just want you to see how much there is to play around with during the day. Many of these behaviors help us feel steady in the moment, while making us more prickly in the long run.

Where could embracing a little bit of prickliness in the moment help you be steadier in the long run? Not picking up your phone. Moving towards someone who makes you anxious. Having the real conversation instead of the imaginary one. Trusting that people can do things for themselves. Trusting that you can do things for yourself.

What would you add to this list? Try making a comical one for yourself that shakes something lose in you. We’re all just trying to get steady in the moment.

Similar posts:

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25 Ways You Had a Predictable 2025
Setting Down the Answers We Have for Others (paid subscribers)

News from Kathleen

Reading: The God of the Woods by Liz Moore. (What is it about a summer camp or a boarding school mystery that is just so satisfying?)

Listening to: Deep Questions with Cal Newport. His most recent episode, “Should I Try a Social Media Pause?” with T.K. Coleman was fantastic.

**BONUS JOURNAL FOR TRUE TO YOU paperback! I’ve created a digital bonus journal to accompany the paperback launch of True to You. Email me a copy of your receipt and I’ll send it to you.

Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing family systems work with me.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.

Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Follow me on LinkedIn, Facebook, or Instagram.

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