Where are you inviting people to manage you?

͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­

	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more The Underfunctioner's Holiday Edition! Where are you inviting people to manage you? Kathleen Smith Nov 25   READ IN APP   Sleeping polar bear. Source: Shutterstock When I wrote an Overfunctioner’s Holiday Edition newsletter a few weeks ago, someone suggested that I write one for the underfunctioning side of the relationship pattern. Which I thought was brilliant. Because when you blame the overfunctioners, you miss the reality that people often invite their over-involvement. Just as they sometimes invite people to be under-involved. What are the subtle or not so subtle ways you might invite people to manage, calm, direct, or take over for you this holiday season? Maybe it’s just easier to let your mother do your laundry, or let your sister ask all the questions at the dinner table. Maybe if you look in the refrigerator and say, “I just don’t know what to eat,” enough times, someone will sit you down and hand you a warm bowl of over-involvement. And who among us hasn’t asked, “How can I help?” while ten obvious tasks floated by. You may invite people’s over-involvement by: being ambivalent out loud so someone will make a decision for you. being worried about loud so someone will calm you down. needing a buffer to have a conversation with someone. relying on your partner/other person to buy gifts for your family. asking someone how you can help when there are obvious tasks that can be done. regressing to your younger self so people will clean up after you. not thinking about how you want to connect with people you haven’t seen in awhile. relying on someone giving you directions rather than navigating yourself. not playing a part in the decision-making, but then complaining about the decision. letting other people take over a task so they’ll calm down. focusing on a kid or pet rather than talking about yourself. None of these moves are bad. They just aren’t particularly flexible. If you never learn to navigate around your spouse’s hometown, they’re stuck in that role. If your family loves to do everything for you, then you might find yourself acting like a teenager again. If everyone only knows how to focus on the how cute the dog is, he’s going to end up needing a Doggie Xanax to deal with all that anxious focus. Upgrade to paid When we free ourselves up to be a little more responsible, we may free others up as well. This doesn’t mean that the overfunctioners won’t come for you. Because they will! But the dynamic only happens if you accept their invitation. I get that people just want to relax over the holidays. But an anxious under-involvement isn’t particularly relaxing. Just a few minutes of thinking about how you’d like to show up and manage yourself can dial down the intensity. When you bust up a familiar pattern, you invite yourself, and the relationship system, to be something different. Questions: Where do you invite people’s over-involvement over the holidays? Where do people invite your under-involvement? What’s one way you’d like to be more responsible for yourself? What flexibility might emerge? Similar posts: Who’s Trying to Manage You? 7.5 Things You Can Say Instead of Overfunctioning for Others (paid) What Are You Teaching Your Relationships? There’s a whole chapter on underfunctioning in my book, True to You! The Anxious Overachiever is a reader-supported publication. To receive all posts and access the giant archive, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Or stick with free! Upgrade to paid News from Kathleen Reading: Careless People by Sarah Wynn-Williams. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me. Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2025 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe