I’ve written a lot about overfunctioning, but sometimes we find ourselves on the other end of the pattern. And when people try to over-manage us, our immaturity often shows up. It’s easy to let the overfunctioner take over, or try to fight back. Or maybe you try to teach them to behave better, or avoid them all together. I’m recalling the hours I spent trying to convince my grandmother that she didn’t need to offer me food constantly. I’m fascinated when some people manage to slip outside the patterns and do something new. How do you remind people that you’re in charge of yourself? How do you give them a chance to think about their overfunctioning, without demanding that they do better? Because your own maturity requires no one’s cooperation. Here are a couple of examples of people staying thoughtful when they’re caught in another person’s anxious focus. Situation: One partner lectures the other on how they need to behave better. Thoughtful Response: “I know you’ve put a lot of energy into trying to make me ‘better,’ and I’m not sure that’s been useful for either of us. I want to see what I can do with myself.” Situation: A co-worker is giving excessive advice. Thoughtful Response:“I know you have answers for me, but I’m still thinking about the questions.” Situation: Your mom is telling you how to parent your kids. Thoughtful Response: “I want to go as far as I can with my own thinking here. I’ll keep you posted.” Situation: Supervisor is reminding you constantly that something is due next week. Thoughtful Response: “I find that I do my best when I take responsibility for remembering deadlines.” Situation: A friend offers to make the dinner reservation because you haven’t done it yet. Thoughtful Response “Let me show you how high I can fly, Denise!” Because sometimes humor is the best interrupter. Notice all the I’s in those responses. Here’s what I’m going to do. This gives people a chance to think about what they want to do with themselves. Maybe they’ll keep trying to manage you, but with some practice, it’s likely that your sensitivity to them will decrease. Questions for you:
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News from KathleenReading: The Neuroscience of Freedom and Creativity by Joaquin Fuster. Watching: Slow Horses, obviously. Can’t wait for Down Cemetery Road with Emma Thompson to drop later this month. Speaking: Excited to give a talk to the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education on October 24. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.
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utorak, 7. listopada 2025.
Who's Trying to Manage You?
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