A neuroscientist explains how to break free from romantic obsession

Plus, the benefits of giving up booze for a month

View this email online Today’s newsletter is brought to you by Life Kit producer Clare Marie Schneider Having a crush can feel amazing — it can give you butterflies, make you feel excited and fill you with anticipation. But sometimes, if you have a crush on someone who is unavailable or noncommittal, all that happiness and euphoria can shift into anxiety and craving, says neuroscientist Tom Bellamy.  There’s a word for when you become so consumed with someone that it becomes painful and even addictive: “limerence.” The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to describe romantic obsession characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows.  “If the romantic reward is unpredictable, the desire doesn't calm down, it escalates,” says Bellamy, an academic and the author of Smitten: Romantic Obsession, the Neuroscience of Limerence and How to Make Love Last. All that desire can cause you pain, and even conflict in your other relationships.  Recently, we interviewed Bellamy about what to do if you’re feeling burdened by a crush and how to move on.   Help me get over my crush Navied Mahdavian for NPR How to break free from a romantic obsession  👉 Reduce contact. This includes limiting in-person interactions as much as possible but also resisting the urge to look at their social media or ask mutual friends about them, says Bellamy.  👉 Turn your daydreams into your "daymares." Often, when you have a crush, it feels good to fantasize about exciting "happily ever after" scenarios. Bellamy says those daydreams can perpetuate feelings of limerence, so you want to turn them into “daymares.”  “If you had a daydream about driving off into the sunset with them, change it,” he says. “Maybe they suddenly shout, ‘Stop the car! This is a terrible mistake!’ And they run off and you're left feeling foolish and ridiculous.” 👉 Opt for the bad memories, not the good ones. You can also use the daymare strategy with actual memories, says Bellamy. “Anytime you start thinking about a time with them that was really good, force yourself to think about memories of terrible times.” Flipping the script helps you remember the reality of the situation.  👉 Replace limerent urges. “Find new goals, new projects, new rewards that will give you a sense of purpose and meaning,” says Bellamy. Plan a trip, learn a new sport, get into cooking — fill your time with positive, new experiences that will help you emotionally leave the limerence in the past.  I’m ready to move on Newsletter continues after sponsor message More on love and romance from Life Kit Navied Mahdavian for NPR Have a pesky crush? What to do in 4 common scenarios. Having a crush is natural — they’re part of human biology. Sometimes, acting on it is a great, healthy step, or it can create a lot more trouble. Dating coach Damona Hoffman explains how to handle a crush in several common scenarios. Read the story. Dear Life Kit: I can't stop thinking about my crush. Sex and relationship expert Shan Boodram weighs in on listener questions about crushes: unrequited love, romance with an expiration date and reaching out to someone from your past. Listen to the story.  How to stop overanalyzing romantic relationships. Romance makes us feel vulnerable, and dating can feel high stakes. We talk about how to keep things in perspective and take care of your mental health in relationships. Listen to the story.  How to be single. In a world that wants everyone to partner up, this comic offers tips from the experts on how to find peace with singleness and live a full life on your own terms. Read the story. Support our work & listen sponsor-free Support public media while getting expert advice on health, finance, relationships and more with Life Kit+. You'll get sponsor-free listening and even some specially curated playlists of episodes by theme (Master your budget, Organize your life, Move your body, and more).   Check out all the NPR+ benefits available at plus.npr.org. Explore Life Kit+ It’s not too late to take a break from drinking Photo illustration by Beck Harlan/NPR Even though we’re three weeks into Sober October, it isn’t too late to try taking a break from drinking. Breaking the booze habit, whether it's for a month or longer, has its benefits. It can improve your sleep, skin and liver health.  But for many people, the challenge is getting started. Life Kit created a special newsletter series to help you get through the zero-alcohol challenge.  Sign up for the Sober October newsletter Over the course of a month, we’ll send you a weekly newsletter with tips on how to stick to your no-alcohol journey. Here’s what you’ll get.  Making your alcohol-free plan: Strategies and techniques to reduce the temptation to drink.  Dealing with social pressure: How to deal with parties and gatherings — and scripts for what to say when people offer you a drink.  Mocktails and motivation: Delicious, alcohol-free drink recipes, plus a mindfulness exercise to keep you on track.  Reflection time: Grab your notebook. Questions to ask yourself as your alcohol-free month comes to a close.  If happy hour isn’t feeling as fun lately, you’re sober-curious or ready to try something new, sign up for the newsletter series. Your advice on navigating interracial relationships Anika Orrock for NPR Last month, we published a story, “4 essential conversations every interracial couple should have.” Some of you wrote in to share your own experiences and advice about being in an interracial couple. These responses have been edited for length and clarity.  A program that helped our interracial relationship  I am also part of a happily married interracial couple. I am Asian and Native American, and my husband is Caucasian of Scottish and English heritage.  Our church has a program that teaches classes on white privilege and how to become a white ally to people of color. My husband attended all the classes and support groups. He now understands my early issues with racism and oppression more deeply now, and he knows how to be supportive of me. I am grateful to the program. —Naomi Lake  White partners have a responsibility to their partners of color  Thank you for addressing important issues that interracial couples face. Partners from the dominant white culture should take greater responsibility to understand the cultural struggles and strengths of their partners of color. For instance, I am keenly aware of how my African American husband can be treated at retail stores. For example, he is followed by security or ignored by salespeople. And history and media attention is focused on white cultural and political leaders. It drowns out people of color’s viewpoints.  White folks have a responsibility to learn about and appreciate these viewpoints even before the relationship begins. —Don Pharaoh New reels on Life Kit’s Instagram 4 signs it’s time to call it quits❌ How much should I give my friend for her medical bills?💵 Things no one taught you about using the bathroom 🚽  In case you missed it Kaz Fantone/NPR 7 surprising ways the public library can save you money. Baking pans, legal help and language classes — libraries can provide so much more than books. See if your local branch offers these free or discounted resources and services. Read the story.  Debt myths that can hold you back from making smart financial decisions. Financial educators bust three common myths about credit card debt — and explain why these negative assumptions can hold us back from making smart money decisions. Read the story.  Coming up with a business idea that takes off. Ready to take that big idea and turn it into a thriving business? Rachel Rodgers, author of Future Millionaire: A Young Person’s Step-by-Step Guide to Making Wealth Inevitable, shares the ingredients of a successful business venture. The best part? You don't necessarily need a lot of money to get started. Listen to the episode. How chef Samin Nosrat keeps up a casual weekly dinner with friends. Every Monday night for the past five years, chef Samin Nosrat makes dinner with friends. She explains how she's been able to maintain this ritual, plus her "criminally good" recipe for garlic bread. Read the story.  Look out 👀 for these upcoming topics We’re hard at work on new episodes. Here’s a sneak peek of what you can expect to learn about in the coming weeks from Life Kit. 👨‍🎨 The art of manliness  📈 Investing 101  ♥️ Making tough decisions in relationships Stream your local NPR station. Visit NPR.org to find your local station stream. What do you think of today's email? 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