Paying attention to the black sheep impulse.

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	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Is Rebellion Just Dependence in Disguise? Paying attention to the black sheep impulse. Kathleen Smith Sep 3   READ IN APP   Icelandic sheep. Source: Shutterstock I once worked with a family where everyone had converted to a new religion. Well, almost everyone. One of the siblings, to everyone’s surprise, chose a different religion, and moved across the world to practice it. I try not to make assumptions about anyone’s motivations. Who’s to say what is a person’s thinking, and what are the larger, automatic forces at work? We can only know our own minds at best. But this family did make me think about the nature of rebellion. In American culture, we tend to venerate those who go their own way. We love a maverick, especially when he’s played by Harrison Ford. But when is rebellion evidence of the stuck-togetherness in a relationship system? An over-dependence on others to function in a particular way? It’s like saying to the family or the group, “Oh you’re not gonna do this? Well then watch me do it even harder!” Sometimes this works out rather hilariously. I’m thinking of Ada Lovelace’s mother, who hated her ex-husband Lord Byron so much that she steered her daughter toward mathematics and logic rather than poetry. When we are allergic to the group, especially our families, we may find ourselves propelled towards beliefs, groups, and life choices that don’t necessarily reflect our best thinking. When systems tighten up, there’s less tolerance for difference or individuality. This can result in conformity or rebellion, but these two modes can operate with the same degree of intensity. And reinforce the other’s choice to take the opposite route. It’s easy to pick on those who conform, but there may be no more agency in our outsideness, our blacksheepishness. So if you tend to be a rebel, or you tend to make fun of them, I’ve got some questions for you. Questions: When has your rebellion been more of an automatic reaction, rather than an attempt to define your thinking? How do some people in a family end up moving one way (i.e. conformity or rebellion) and not the other? When have rebels predictably emerged when a system tightened up? When has your rebellion been a more reasoned position? When do you get too focused on the supposed immaturity of other people’s actions, rather than staying focused on your own thinking and choices? (Hi, it’s me!) How do your relate to a system, not as an insider or an outsider? As a person who’s trying to find their way and is interested in other people’s efforts to do the same. Similar posts: Seeing Yourself As an Outsider When the Family Tightens Up Your Sibling Position Isn’t a Diagnosis (paid) The Anxious Overachiever is a reader-supported publication. To receive all posts and access the giant archive, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Or stick with free! Upgrade to paid News from Kathleen What I’m Reading: Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler. What I’m Watching: Zarna Garg’s comedy special, One in a Billion. Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. Want to read more of my writing? Check out my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in working with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2025 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe