Are you saying something, or are you managing something?

͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­͏     ­

	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more The Hidden Tension Behind Your Talking Are you saying something, or are you managing something? Kathleen Smith Apr 30   READ IN APP   Barbary macaques grooming. Source: Shutterstock. What do you never end up talking about, when there’s tension in a relationship? Talking conveys information and strengthens relationships. Because humans have language, we don’t have to pick at each other’s hair or pet each other like other primates (at least not at much). Language can create tension, but it can also manage tension. So how do you know when you’re talking just to manage the tension in a relationship, or talking to connect? Neither is bad. But if a great deal of our conversational energy is about managing tension, there’s not much left to get to know a person, talk about interests or challenges, or work on shared goals. Think about it—if everyone is complaining about the boss at work, I’d wager not a lot gets done. If you’re constantly reassuring a friend they’re not being annoying, you might not want to talk much about yourself. If you’re always avoiding conversational landmines with your family, you probably won’t be thrilled to visit them. Upgrade to paid Talking might be an attempt to manage tension if you’re: Speaking to fill the awkward silence. Interrupting or finishing sentences. Fishing for agreement, praise, or advice. Giving a lot of agreement, praise, or advice. Only talking about very superficial topics. Venting to pass along anxiety. Acting helpless to invite overfunctioning. Asking too many questions when you’re anxiously monitoring someone (i.e. grilling a child after their first day of school) Playing interviewer to avoid having to talk about yourself. Inviting others to join the conversation to manage tension of one-to-one contact. How do you engage with people in a way that’s less about managing tension and more about representing yourself? More about being curious about the other person? What do you never end up talking about, when all your talking is directed towards keeping things steady? I would venture quite a bit. More questions: When are you talking (or not talking) in reaction to the level of tension or anxiety in a relationship? What might it look like to observe, take a breath, and think about what’s worth saying or asking? What do you want to do when you notice others talking to manage the tension? Where do you want to test out the theory that a little bit of tension left hanging in the air won’t kill you? (Fun!) A fun, little exercise: After a conversation with someone, ask yourself, “What was I saying, and what was I managing?” You might be surprised by what you notice. Want to read more about these ideas? Are You Interested and Along for the Ride? Knowing People So Well, We Don’t Know Them at All De-Clumping Our Relationships The Anxious Overachiever is a reader-supported publication. To receive all posts, access the entire archive, and support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber. Upgrade to paid News from Kathleen Catch me in person or online on May 19th with the Healthy Congregations Hybrid Conference in Columbus, Ohio. Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you please leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks! Want to read more of my writing? Read my other book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2025 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe