What do you never end up talking about, when there’s tension in a relationship? Talking conveys information and strengthens relationships. Because humans have language, we don’t have to pick at each other’s hair or pet each other like other primates (at least not at much). Language can create tension, but it can also manage tension. So how do you know when you’re talking just to manage the tension in a relationship, or talking to connect? Neither is bad. But if a great deal of our conversational energy is about managing tension, there’s not much left to get to know a person, talk about interests or challenges, or work on shared goals. Think about it—if everyone is complaining about the boss at work, I’d wager not a lot gets done. If you’re constantly reassuring a friend they’re not being annoying, you might not want to talk much about yourself. If you’re always avoiding conversational landmines with your family, you probably won’t be thrilled to visit them. Talking might be an attempt to manage tension if you’re:
How do you engage with people in a way that’s less about managing tension and more about representing yourself? More about being curious about the other person? What do you never end up talking about, when all your talking is directed towards keeping things steady? I would venture quite a bit. More questions:
A fun, little exercise: After a conversation with someone, ask yourself, “What was I saying, and what was I managing?” You might be surprised by what you notice. Want to read more about these ideas? News from KathleenCatch me in person or online on May 19th with the Healthy Congregations Hybrid Conference in Columbus, Ohio. Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you please leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks! Want to read more of my writing? Read my other book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. |
srijeda, 30. travnja 2025.
The Hidden Tension Behind Your Talking
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