I keep hearing the term "emotional cheating." What does it actually mean?
Emotional cheating is when you have a really close, more-than-friends relationship (sans physical stuff) with someone outside of your established relationship, says couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD.
While that's the gist, pointing to specific examples of emotional cheating isn't as straightforward as a physical affair. That's because each person may have a different definition of what constitutes emotional cheating in their relationship. Maybe venting to a friend about a relationship issue is no big deal to your partner, but to you it's out of bounds. Perhaps exchanging memes with a coworker you'd consider dating if you weren't in a relationship isn't weird for you, though it was for your ex.
But, generally speaking, this type of cheating involves telling another person things that you'd usually tell your partner. For example, you might rely on someone who's not your partner for support when you're stressed or when you and your significant other have a fight, says Dr. Morley. Maybe you're texting all the time about your day or rushing to them with huge life news before you fill in your partner—or you're telling them instead of your partner, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT.
That said, an emotional affair is different from the reassurance and good vibes you'd get from a platonic friend, Dr. Morley says. There's usually some sort of attraction or chemistry with this other person. Oftentimes you can imagine being with them romantically, she says.
Here are a few common ways an emotional affair can look, according to Turner and Dr. Morley:
• Frequently relying on another person for comfort instead of a partner
• Comparing a relationship with one person to a relationship with a partner
• Thinking about someone outside of a relationship often or imagining a life with them
• Keeping the relationship or the extent of it a secret by hiding texts or downplaying how often you see them
• Feeling guilty spending time with the other person
Just so we're clear, emotionally cheating is not the same as having deep conversations with friends and coworkers or having a crush on someone. Actually, it's unrealistic for your partner to meet all of your emotional needs, so outsourcing some of them is completely normal, notes Dr. Morley. Perhaps your significant other just can't have in-depth chats about your Fantasy Football lineup or the current political landscape. That's not necessarily an emotional affair.
Keep reading to learn why people emotionally cheat and how to recover from it.
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