| | | | | | In 2021, my best friend moved 600 miles away. At that point, nine years into our friendship, we'd never lived more than a mile apart. And while I knew I'd miss doing everything together, I was most worried about all the time we spent doing nothing together—sitting on the couch watching TV with Hot Cheetos. | | | | How would our bond over trash TV and junk food survive when we couldn't partake together? Would my hilarious friend immediately make other hilarious friends who would outrank me? Then there was the gaping hole in my Thursday nights where vent sessions, takeout, and talking about nothing and everything used to live. | | | | The transition wasn't easy, but the core of our friendship made it out alive. We became people who scheduled phone dates, sent stupid memes multiple times a day, and dropped voice notes when you just had to hear it to get it. | | | | Over the last four years, I've learned the good ones aren't going anywhere. Distance can actually make our friendships stronger than ever. | | | | And that's what this newsletter is all about. Here, we spoke to experts about long-distance friendships and the best ways to stay tight no matter where you are in the world. | | | | —Ashley Oerman, Deputy Editor | | | | | | | |  | | | | Rethink what distance means for your friendship. | | TV and movies made us believe that the best friendships involve spending all day together (preferably at Central Perk). But, the truth is, you don't need to live in the same building or even the same country to maintain a fulfilling, validating, and fun relationship. | | That said, if you don't know anything different or your long-distance friendships fizzled out in the past, it makes sense that you're skeptical. "Proximity is one of the strongest predictors of whether we become friends in the first place and how likely we are to stay close over time," says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship researcher. So, yes, physical distance can make it challenging to sustain a connection, Dr. Kirmayer adds. | | In her work, Dr. Kirmayer has found that people often assume that long-distance friendships are harder to maintain and less fun than they were before. They also believe that those friendships will just fade anyway and that it's unavoidable to lose touch with a long-distance friend, she explains. They feel like their friendship is doomed. | | But those beliefs aren't a given. Friendships are ultimately shaped by the choices we make—not fate. If you two can evolve, so can the friendship. "We can choose to see distance as an opportunity to deepen our friendship," says Dr. Kirmayer. "And when you manage to stay close despite the distance—and, dare I say, the inconvenience—that reflects a special type of bond." | | So, for a more realistic POV and a stronger sense of agency, try challenging the assumptions you're making about long-distance friendships. | | Start by listing the worries you have about your friendship. Those might include, We won't be as close, they'll find new friends, they'll forget about me, or it won't feel the same. Write down all the ones you can think of. Then, shift out of worst-case scenario mode by challenging those ideas. For each one, ask yourself, Is this assumption based on facts? Is there evidence that it's true? Is there evidence that it's not true? suggests Dr. Kirmayer. | | | | | | | | |  | |  |  | | | | | | Find new ways to connect. | | | | When you and your close friends live near each other, you can swing by for an impromptu morning walk, grab dinner to catch up, or meet at a coffee shop while you're out running errands. | | | | All those forms of communication work together to help you maintain your relationship via physical connection (Hugs! High fives! Eye contact!) or spontaneity ("Let's make dinner plans for next week!"), says Minaa B., LMSW, author of Owning Our Struggles. Unfortunately, when you live far away, your sole form of interaction is (probably) your phone. | | | | While that's perfectly fine, logistical issues like different time zones, life responsibilities, burnout, and fatigue can make connecting over your phone a challenge, explains Minaa B. | | | | Yes, it's reasonable to have a hard time adjusting, but long-distance friendships require adaptation, she adds. If we're not intentional about staying in touch, the relationship won't be as fulfilling or satisfying as it once was. | | | | So how do we do that? Minaa B. says pinpointing your biggest communication roadblocks and addressing them head-on can keep your bond strong—even if you're not a phone person. | | | If time always gets away from you...
When your convos always go on for hours, you might procrastinate hopping on the phone until you find a three-hour chunk of free time. But you can shift that all-or-nothing mindset by utilizing the calendar invite. It sounds lame, but penciling in 30 minutes to catch up with your friend can get you on the phone without the massive commitment. When the time is up, it's up. Of course, if you ever find that three-hour time slot, you guys can yap it up all afternoon. | | | If you miss having fun together...
The things we love and have in common keep us tethered together, says Minaa B. If you guys like cooking, make the same recipe together over FaceTime. If you're big fans of red carpet award shows, text your hot takes throughout the event. You could also watch the same movie on FaceTime and talk about it after. Other options: train for a race (jogging and chatting via your earbuds), start a mini book club with the two of you, or plan a future trip. Any of these options can recreate the joy of in-person hangs. | | | If you're way too busy...
Yes, undivided attention is lovely, but not all of us have much to give. If that's you, try to multitask boring, brainless must-do activities with a quick call to your friend, Minaa B. suggests. Laundry, grocery shopping, commutes, and toilet paper runs are way more fun with a friend in your ear. | | | If the phone bums you out...
Yes, FaceTime and phone calls are great, but have you ever tried writing a letter? You could recap your week, your month, your latest relationship drama, or just profess your undying love for your friend. Include little Polaroid photos and think of it like a friendship newsletter. This old-school practice for keeping in touch has aged pretty well, explains Minaa B. | | |  | | | | | | | |  | |
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