🌀 Date yourself

How to navigate feeling lonely when you're single.

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Even though there are pros to not being tied down romantically (more freedom and less awkward in-law drama, for starters), singlehood can feel really isolating at times, especially when your loved ones are all paired up and you want to be doing life with someone too.   We're not here to tell you to get back out there, redownload the apps, or remember that it'll happen when you least expect it (*eye roll*). But we can offer validation and tips to help you cope with the loneliness you may sometimes feel from going it solo.   If you're familiar with this struggle, keep reading for some great therapist-approved advice on how to reframe the stories you tell yourself about singlehood and make sure you're meeting your own needs. Let's get into it!   —Sam Brodsky, Staff Writer       Fact-check your negative thought spirals. Sometimes your brain can be a real buzzkill, like when it tries to convince you that your single status means you're unloveable, that no one gets you, and that you'll be alone forever. This type of all-or-nothing thinking is super common and usually totally false, says dating coach and couples therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST. To help you put things into perspective, Herzog suggests looking around for evidence to the contrary. For example, if you’re feeling unloveable, think about who in your life has shown you they love you. Your friends? Family? Past significant others? This promotes a more realistic POV. Maybe you feel unloveable in this moment, but people did—and still do— love you.  On that note, if you find yourself drowning in “should” thoughts—like that you should be married by now or that you should be going on more dates—think about where those judgey statements are coming from, says Herzog. (Family members? Married friends who don’t even seem very happy? Societal messaging?) Maybe those shame-driven thoughts aren’t your own after all!  If this all sounds promising, but it’s still difficult for you to change your perspective, try adding in a visual assist. Keep a childhood photo of you handy (in your wallet, on your phone, etc.), and the next time you’re “should-ing” yourself or telling yourself how unloveable you are, pull out that photo, suggests therapist Rebecca Phillips, LPC. It’s hard to imagine talking to Younger You in that way, right? Your 5-year-old self definitely doesn’t need to hear that no one loves them—and neither do you.       • 7 toxic dating rules you can stop following now • Surprising ways to actually enjoy your alone time • Send this to your taken friends who seem to forget what it's like to be single • 7 ways to squash your dating anxiety       Date yourself.    One reason you might feel lonely when you’re single is because you’re missing out on someone showing up for you in specific, thoughtful ways: cooking you dinner, listening to you vent about work, or planning fun weekend activities. That’s a completely valid feeling (and a great list of green flags in a future partner, FYI).    But, in the meantime, showing up for yourself the way you would want a future partner to care for you can be an act of self-love and can also help you see how positive alone time can be, says Phillips. Similarly, if you’re someone who longs to have a partner to care for, spend this single time showering yourself with that same love and attention.    Meeting your needs like this can “reinforce your sense of self-worth and well-being, proving that moments alone can also be deeply fulfilling and not so lonely after all,” therapist Rebecca Marcus, LCSW, says.   This might look like literally taking yourself to the dinners/concerts/ experiences that you really want to try (plus-one be damned). Or it may look like prioritizing your time and routines with yourself just like you would prioritize quality time with a partner.    BTW, you can practice this and still crave a relationship, says Phillips. The goal isn’t to date yourself and swear off other people. You’re just validating that while you’re single—and when you’re taken—you can enjoy life and be there for yourself.

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