In recent months, there's been a lot of buzz around the term weaponized incompetence. It's the idea that people use "I'm not good at this" or "I can't do this right" to get out of normal adult responsibilities they share with their partner.
The hype around this term first started making the rounds on TikTok back in 2021 after Laura Danger, a licensed educator and coach, responded to a jokey viral video of a man who fell asleep when he was supposed to be watching his baby while his wife took a shower. El oh el, amirite?
In her TikTok response video, Danger said this is an example of how incompetence is weaponized. Instead of being an equally responsible partner, he slept on the job. And, because of that breach of trust, Danger said his partner likely feels like she can't rely on him to split the baby responsibilities. "This seemingly harmless situation not only put the child at risk but also played on the wife's anxieties," Danger tells Wondermind.
Sound relatable? You're definitely not alone. We spoke to experts about how to tell if your partner is weaponizing incompetence and what to do about it.
What is weaponized incompetence?
This pattern of behavior, where one partner pretends to be or is bad at something (see actual incompetence) without trying to be better, makes the other partner feel like it's up to them to do life. If they aren't executing a task, it won't be done or it won't be done right.
Thus, a partner can use weaponized incompetence to hand off a responsibility they don't want, explains clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, PhD. "Most of the time, it seems to be used as a way to pass off responsibility for a difficult, strenuous, or tedious task," says Dr. Howes.
The most obvious example of weaponized incompetence is when someone pretends they don't know how to do something or gives it about 20 percent of the effort in hopes that they'll never have to do it again.
It could also show up as a ~compliment~, says Kate Engler, LMFT, CST. Your partner might say, "You should schedule the kids' summer camps and play dates because you're just better at that stuff. I can't keep it all straight."
To be fair, it's possible your partner truly thinks they suck at something and feels uncomfortable admitting it. In this case, they may avoid doing the laundry or planning a night out or whatever because they're avoiding the discomfort of failing or hearing negative feedback, she says. Still, that's weaponized incompetence too.
Keep reading for 5 tips on how to deal with weaponized incompetence in a relationship.
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