Get a parent to open up; postpartum intimacy; dealing with dread

Plus, decor hacks for rentals

View this email online Today’s newsletter is brought to you by Life Kit producer Clare Marie Schneider How can you get family members to open up about a hidden past? In a new Life Kit episode, reporter Aarti Shahani talks to Min Jin Lee, author of the bestselling novel Pachinko, for insight. Over the past few years, Lee has been interviewing family members for her first nonfiction book.  Those conversations, says Lee, helped her feel more connected to them -- and to herself. “Knowing their history and their struggle, I remember that I'm somebody and that you're somebody."  Get a parent to open up Ippei Naoi/Getty Images/Moment RF Lee’s family emigrated from Korea during the 1970s. There, her father was a marketing executive, but in New York, he ended up working at a newspaper stand, where people would toss coins at him. Knowing her dad’s highs and lows gives her strength, she says. If he could “withstand that level of humiliation,” so could she.  Talking to your parents about their personal histories can be difficult, especially if they have painful, shameful or traumatic memories, or if you’ve had a strained relationship. But as Lee found, opening that door can deepen understanding and connection. Lee and memoirists share advice about how to start this conversation with your own family:  Give them a heads up If you’re suddenly burning to probe your parent’s past, do not pick up the phone, says Lee. “Please do not surprise anyone, especially people whom you love.” Think about what you want to learn and then ask in advance. “Would it be OK if I came by to ask you some questions?” she says. Allow the person to say yes or no. “I'm gonna sound corny, but please proceed with love,” says Lee. “You have a family bond. That's a very serious thing.” Don’t throw curveballs One way to build trust is to ease into the hard stuff. When Lee sat down with her parents to interview them, she says she asked them simple, factual questions first. “Where did you study? How did you feel? What do you remember about your parents? What are their actual names? How do you spell it?” Beware of recording Lee says she never records her interviews. As soon as you hit record, people change. They get stiff. Invisible walls go up. Instead, she opts for writing down responses with a pen and paper. Reveal a parent's hidden story Newsletter continues after sponsor message We want to hear from you: Intimacy in the postpartum period Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR Congratulations! You’re parents now! How’s your sex life? Chances are, not so hot. Between endless diaper changes, sleep deprivation, hormonal changes and general exhaustion, new parents don’t have a lot of time or energy for physical intimacy. That doesn’t mean you can’t show love in other ways, says Aaron Steinberg, a couples coach who teaches expecting parents how to “babyproof” their relationships. Kissing, cuddling and even words of affirmation can “cultivate and nurture the part of your relationship that makes you more than roommates.” We want to hear from you: How did you and your partner stay romantically connected during the postpartum period? Tell us the playful, creative ways you showed love and intimacy when sex wasn’t always an option. Email us at lifekit@npr.org with your name and response and we may include it in a story on NPR.org. Keep the romance alive Listen Sponsor-Free Support public media while getting expert advice on health, finance, relationships and more with Life Kit+. You'll get sponsor-free listening AND that warm fuzzy feeling that comes with making a difference. You can also check out loads of other NPR+ podcasts with benefits at plus.npr.org. Explore Life Kit+ Quote of the week July is Disability Pride Month, an event that promotes awareness for the about 61 million adults in the United States who live with at least one disability. These disabilities may not be physical or even visible: they could be learning, developmental or intellectual disabilities, or mental or chronic illness. Read our story with Emily Landau, author of Demystifying Disability, to learn how to be a better ally to disabled people. Letters from our readers A roundup of letters to Life Kit. These have been edited for length and clarity. Life Kit’s sleep tips “validated” my habits I like the suggestions you gave [in Life Kit’s Guide to Better Sleep]. I felt validated that the habits I’ve acquired over the years to help me sleep are ones you also recommend, like not checking the clock in the middle of the night, limiting screen time to relaxing things, doing something else out of bed until sleepy, meditation, getting lots of exercise and spending time outdoors every day.  —Jeannie Smith Thankful for my artist mother’s “restlessness”  The "change of the scenery" advice struck me as very familiar. I grew up with an artist mother who, every so often, would change the furniture arrangement for no reason. It was disturbing to come home from school and find the living room rearranged (my bedroom was, of course, off-limits!). I never confronted my mother about this restlessness. But now, having read your piece, I realize why she did it, and I’m thankful. —Marina Pianu  This week on Life Kit Sol Cotti for NPR 5 strategies to help you cope with a nagging feeling of dread. Worried about deadlines, errands or your to-do list? Reframe your relationship with dread with these simple exercises, from drawing the things that scare you to scheduling worry time. Read the story here.  How to "babyproof" your relationship. With a baby on the way, you'll need to babyproof your home — and your relationship. In this episode, learn how to strengthen your connection with your partner, survive the newborn phase and navigate fairness in domestic responsibilities. Listen to the episode here.  How to revamp your rental. Just because you're renting doesn't mean you can't make the place feel like your own. Three home décor experts share their tips to make your rental homey for the long term. Listen to the episode here.  Stream your local NPR station. Visit NPR.org to find your local station stream. What do you think of today's email? We'd love to hear your thoughts, questions and feedback: LifeKit@npr.org Enjoying this newsletter? Forward to a friend! They can sign up here. Looking for more great content? Check out all of our newsletter offerings — including Daily News, Code Switch, Health and more! You received this message because you're subscribed to Life Kit emails. This email was sent by National Public Radio, Inc., 1111 North Capitol Street NE, Washington, DC 20002 Unsubscribe  |  Privacy Policy