How relationship systems becomes more flexible, open, and interesting.

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	Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more What Are You Teaching Your Relationships? How relationship systems becomes more flexible, open, and interesting. Kathleen Smith Jun 17   READ IN APP   Source: Shutterstock What are you teaching the system, Kathleen? I ask myself this question when we’re trying to get out the door in the morning. When I skip an important meeting. If I’m talking to a family member, drifting toward easy topics and saving the meaningful ones for next time. When I look for familiar faces at a social event, skirting past new ones. Or when I catapult my anxiety to a friend via text. It’s so easy to get focused on how other people operate, and not see the data I feed into the system. My own actions invite predictable, automatic reactions from others. Reactions that I often try to change, avoid, or complain about. So what are you teaching your relationship systems these days? Are you teaching people that: You will take over for them.? You need them to take over? You will get reactive if they don’t do what you want? You’re very focused on changing them? You will not show up? You will show up and always agree with them? You will try and convince them they’re wrong? You’ll manage their relationships with others? This leads to the question, What are others teaching you? Are they teaching you that they’ll calm down if you do things for them? That they’ll try and debate you if you speak up? That they will shut down if you bring up a sensitive topic? Observing creates the opportunity for thoughtful responses to challenges. The chance to consider what’s effective and what isn’t. Because most of our help isn’t helpful. It’s simply going along with what the system teaches us, the back-and-forth of keeping things calm and chugging along, with little input from one’s own prefrontal cortex. When we increase the quality and quantity of contact with others, we create opportunities to put new data into the system. Note that this is different than trying to change others. Rather it is a way of being more responsible to them and for one’s self. How would you like to show up in important relationship systems? I’d like to show up as someone who: Shows up (gotta start somewhere!) Is responsible for herself. Gives others the freedom to be responsible for themselves. Tries to stay factual about challenges. Focuses less on changing others. Tries to manage her own emotional reactivity. Is honest about her thinking, without trying to convince. Is curious about others’ thinking. What happens over time, when this kind of functioning is introduced into a relationship system? Through sustained, thoughtful contact with people and challenges? To me, it’s an interesting enough question to spend a lifetime finding out. This week’s questions: What have you been teaching your relationship systems lately? What have they been teaching you? How would you like to show up? What are you interested in finding out? News from Kathleen Don’t forget that you can access all past paid content for my newsletter (including worksheets and past Friday Q&As) by upgrading your subscription. Upgrade to paid Preorder my book TRUE TOU to get the companion workbook today! Preorder my upcoming book True to You, submit your info here, and download the workbook + sneak peek of a chapter. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has preordered so far. Book events: Washington, DC East City Bookshop - July 9th - RSVP if you want to attend either virtually or in person! Kansas City area - Rainy Day Books, Aug 20th Want a signed, personalized copy? You can preorder it from my neighborhood bookstore, East City Bookshop, the best bookshop of all the bookshops. Want to read more of my writing? Get my last book, Everything Isn't Terrible or check out my newsletter archives. Email me if you’re interested in Bowen theory coaching or want me to speak to your group or workplace. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription. Upgrade to paid   Like Comment Restack   © 2024 Kathleen Smith 548 Market Street PMB 72296, San Francisco, CA 94104 Unsubscribe