Picture this: You hit it off with a new boo thing on a first date and can't wait to see them again, but you barely hear from them for weeks. Until! They pop up once in a while to let you know they're thinking of you or ask to chill, but then they disappear again—long enough to make you wonder WTF is going on. Just when you think it's over, they're back. And the cycle continues.
Yep, that's one form of breadcrumbing, a relationship red flag you may have encountered IRL or heard about from the whistleblowers on TikTok. This form of stringing people along with minimal, inconsistent effort isn't always intentional, and there are a few mental and emotional reasons why someone might resort to breadcrumbing you.
Whatever the case may be, you're not a pigeon in a park. And if someone's breadcrumbing habit leaves you feeling insecure, unsettled, or spiraling, here's everything you need to know about why it happens and how to cope.
What is breadcrumbing?
As you could probably guess, breadcrumbing isn't a real diagnosis. Instead, it describes the behavior of someone who shows you on-and-off attention and communication, says therapist and dating coach Michelle Mouhtis, LCSW. A breadcrumber is basically keeping you on the line and interested in them without offering any real commitment. And this tactic usually appears early on, like after you've made a connection but haven't actually defined the relationship and all your expectations and needs, says psychologist Dana McNeil, PsyD.
Breadcrumbing can look like someone sending you sporadic "thinking of you" texts (nice!) and nothing else (ugh). Basically, they're "dropping the crumbs every once in a while to see, 'Are you still there? Are you still an option for me? OK, good. I got everything I needed to know,'" explains Dr. McNeil. Then, the breadcrumber gets a confidence boost and confirmation you're still willing to engage.
Other signs someone might be breadcrumbing you: Their words don't match their bare-minimum actions, Dr. McNeil says. For example, they might tell you, "I didn't know someone like you existed. I can't believe how wonderful you are. I want to take you on a romantic getaway to Greece," but they never plan anything—not even a casual date at your local gyros shop.
They might even fail to plan in advance because they're "too busy" and try to make you settle for last-minute hangs when they're bored or have nothing else going on, Dr. McNeil adds.
Aside from being annoying as hell, breadcrumbing can seriously mess with your mental health. Living in a constant state of confusion about how your crush feels about you can be all-consuming and amp up your anxiety. Plus, your self-esteem can take a hit when you start to take their inconsistency personally. You might even start questioning what's "wrong" with you or if you're "good enough," Dr. McNeil says.
Keep reading for 5 tips on how to cope with breadcrumbing.
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