What should I do if my parent is struggling with their mental health?
If one of your parents has recently come to you with a confession like, "I'm alone in this marriage," or "I'm so depressed and lost. I hate it here," it's understandable if you feel uncomfortable and not totally sure how to react. Or maybe they rarely share any insight into their emotional state or act like mental health is stupid, but judging by their bad mood or random outbursts, something needs to change.
Whatever the case, we all know our parents are people. And all people have feelings, coping mechanisms, and even trauma that can impact the way they interact with others—including their kids. If you can relate, you already know that talking to a parent about their mental health can be extremely challenging and overwhelming because nobody gives you a manual for taking care of them. These talks can also make you feel responsible for their health and happiness, and whatever they say could trigger you if it's something you struggle with too, says therapist Ann Dillard, LMFT.
As the child in this scenario, you should know it's not your responsibility to help your mom or dad sort through their emotional shit because mental health care is tricky and you're probably not a professional counselor, Dillard says. Also, taking on the role of their unofficial therapist basically violates the healthy parent-child dynamic, which should look like this: You can freely confide in them without judgment no matter how old you are. The parent can occasionally give you a glimpse into their inner world (think: "I get sad and feel lonely too sometimes"), but they should have their own space—away from you—to vent and get support.
Helping your parents with their mental health is also totally different and potentially more complicated than helping a friend. That's partly because parent-child relationships have a natural hierarchy built in. So if you initiate a serious talk about them needing help or try to tell them what to do, that could make them feel "insignificant, unimportant, and unintelligent," Dillard explains. Basically, you have to tread carefully.
No matter how comfortable your folks are with the subject of mental health, here's how to bring up their emotions, set healthy boundaries if these convos make you feel worse, and get them whatever professional help they might need—all while protecting your own mental health.
Validate their feelings (within reason).
A good way to support your parent through a difficult issue (without taking on too much responsibility for their mental health) is by offering words of reassurance and opportunities to reflect, says psychotherapist Jessica Vechakul, PhD, LMFT. If they're grieving, for example, you could say, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I know you really loved them and miss them a lot right now. You both had a beautiful relationship, and it makes sense that you're having a hard time adjusting," and offer a hug. If you want to dig a little deeper with them, you could share if you're also struggling with the loss right now and ask some open-ended questions like, "What's going through your mind?" or "What memories are coming up for you?" or "Is there anything that would make you feel better at this moment?"
Keep reading for 4 more ways to help a parent struggling with their mental health.
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