Eight days later (and one giant plumbing emergency that currently involves many, scary construction vehicles), we are all moved into the new house. I am fascinated by the amount of cognitive energy that learning a new environment eats up. So if there are a lot of typos this week, know that it’s because I’m still trying to remember where I put the colander. Also, don’t forget you can preorder my upcoming book, True to You: A Therapist’s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself, and get the free companion workbook and sneak peak chapter here. Preorders are THE biggest predictor of a book’s success, so buy yourself a little treat that arrives on July 9th. Thank you! - K Humans love to talk about how others are behaving poorly. We spend a lot of energy thinking about what they could do better, complaining to others about it, and trying to teach people how to not embarrass or upset us. Compare this with the amount of time people spend thinking about how they want to represent and manage themselves, and it’s quite sobering. One of my favorite questions to ask people is “How did you represent yourself?” This helps people see how their own emotional reactivity directs their actions. Let me give you some examples from a person who provides plenty of anxious examples, a person I like to call “me.” Ways I sometimes represent myself:
What I appreciate about Bowen theory is the emphasis not on avoiding this person, but on becoming more acquainted with them. We do this by working on ourselves in relationships where this person tends to show up. Like twenty-four hours into a visit home with family. Ten minutes into a conversation with your mother. Or two hours into a board meeting where nothing is getting accomplished. We observe these behaviors not with shame but with an appreciation that the system invites these responses in anxious times. And a curiosity about what could be different. Observation leads to the question, “How would I like to represent myself?” How do you be an ambassador of your own best thinking? How I’d like to represent myself:
This isn’t a laundry list to check off every day. People seem to make progress when they generate a few good ideas (or even one) before important contact with others. For example, “How do I want to represent myself before this important meeting?” Or “How do I want to represent myself when I have this difficult conversation with my teenager?” Or “How do I want to show up for my own beliefs in this anxious time?” Often a bullet point or two on a post-it will be enough to keep you busy. In my upcoming book, True to You, I talk about how people tend to focus on whether they feel heard or seen in relationships. This is nice when it happens, but the truth is that we don’t have much control over how other people respond to us. We do, however, have a great deal of control over how we represent ourselves. Questions like, “Did I represent my thoughts the way I wanted to?” or “Am I creating opportunities to define myself to others?” are often more useful. People who are not focused on how they represent themselves are:
People who are focused on how they represent themselves are:
Here are two questions for you this week.
This is not about turning yourself into a robot who never gets up upset. It’s about showing up in situations and relationships where anxiety tends to directs us. Observing what that looks like, and considering an alternative that is a little truer to yourself and your best thinking. News from KathleenJuly 9th - Join me in person or virtually at East City Bookshop in Washington, DC for the launch of True to You on July 9th at 7pm. I’ll be in conversation with the amazing Michelle Brafman, whose new novel, Swimming With Ghosts, I absolutely tore through. And taking your questions! Register here.
We are in the process of planning a few more events, so if you’d like me to speak to your group or have a contact at your local bookstore, let me know! Bonus content is finally here! Preorder True to You, submit your info here, and download the workbook + sneak peek of a chapter. Want a signed, personalized copy? You can preorder it from my neighborhood bookstore, East City Bookshop, the best bookshop of all the bookshops. Want to read more of my writing? Buy my previous book, Everything Isn't Terrible or check out my newsletter archives.
Email me if you’re interested in Bowen theory coaching or want me to speak to your group or workplace. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. Want to learn more about Bowen theory? Visit the Bowen Center’s website to learn more about their conferences and training programs. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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srijeda, 8. svibnja 2024.
Being an Ambassador for Yourself
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