Hello, I’m here with an illustrated poem. I hope you like it.
I didn’t lose weight for my wedding,
nor did I count calories in that app I obsessed over in my early twenties, or measure the curve of my hips with the pink measuring tape I once kept in my bedside table, or stash pants a size too small in my closet like a secret. I couldn’t lose weight for my wedding, not after believing for so long I’d find happiness if I could wane from full moon to crescent, a glimmer barely there in the dark stretch of night,
and certainly not after years of therapy sessions spent slowly untangling the disordered thoughts, of finding a way around the self-hatred guarding the door to the place I yearned for, a place where food was just food and my body was just my body. So I didn’t lose weight for my wedding. Instead I rode my bike to the beach, where I’d sit by the ocean and watch the harbor seals swim, their bodies thick and beautiful and glistening under the sun,
and I went to happy hour with friends on a Tuesday night, where we’d belly-laugh between sips of wine and smear goat cheese on salty crackers because it’s fucking delicious
and I slept in on Saturday mornings, waking up just in time for the breakfast my boyfriend prepared: a thick stack of pancakes, butter soft enough to spread, maple syrup in a jug sticky to the touch,
and I’d gaze out the window at the mountains stark against the sky, mountains that made me think, look at them, expansive and grand and magnificent. how could I not want to be the same?
On my wedding day I will put on the dress I picked out with my mother and sister, and I will walk down the aisle toward the man that I love, the man who embraces me and my body not because he must but because he chooses to and I will recite my vows to him just as I have vowed to love myself all of me, all of the space I take up and I will take off my dress later that night, knowing full well that what I find beneath it is just as magical as a full moon, a mountain range, because this is a woman who waited decades to call herself home.
Thanks for reading. I’m taking next week off for post-wedding recovery (read: will be wearing a bathrobe for seven days straight and I can’t wait). See you soon!
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