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Where Does Your Anxiety Set Up Camp?

Noticing where you put the problem.

Kathleen Smith

Oct 21

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Southern Hairy-nosed Wombat emerging from his burrow. Source: Shutterstock

When people get stirred up, they tend to pitch a perceptual tent in familiar territory. Being able to label one person, or one relationship, as the problem, is an automatic way to gain some steadiness.

So where do you put the problem when you’re all stirred up? Do you focus on:

“Fixing” your child’s problems or behaviors.
Labeling others as aloof or cold towards you.
Labeling others as too overwhelming or needy.
Trying to make two people get along better.
Your partner’s lack of motivation to do what you want them to do.
A family member’s unwillingness to go to therapy.
Internet people’s inability to operate with maturity.
Leaders who won’t listen (or leave).
Your own “characters flaws” without looking at the larger system.

There is a cost when we set up camp and stay there. Individuals feel the effects of that intense focus. We can lose objectivity and curiosity, and the system doesn’t have much flexibility. It relies on keeping certain individuals stuck or symptomatic.

How does anxiety live in your daily thoughts? How much more likely you are to assume people don’t like you or are ignoring you when you are anxious? How closely do you monitor your child’s behavior when you’re worried they’re going to embarrass you? How much do you focus on your spouse’s challenges when you feel uncertain about your own?

It can be useful to ask yourself, “Is this something that really needs my attention, or is it just my anxiety looking for a place to camp?” Working first to resolve the stirred-up-ness in yourself gives you more agency over your focus.

This thinking also helps me recognize when people try to park their anxiety on me. When you perceive someone’s efforts to fix or direct you as their attempt to get steady, you don’t take it as personally. You can more easily say, “I think about it differently,” or, “Thanks, but I think I want to handle this myself.”

To some degree, our sensitivities will influence our perception. But where you do see the opportunities to not let your anxious focus get too comfortable, too certain that others are the key to things getting better?

Questions for you:

When you were growing up, where did the family tend to perceptually park their anxiety?
Where are you quick to label or diagnose people without much evidence?
Whom would you like to move towards to challenge those perceptions?
Where are there opportunities to manage yourself when you want to monitor, fix, or blame others?

Similar posts:

Turning Off Your Anxious Scanner
Where People Put the Problem (paid subscribers)
Here’s What Happens When We Stop Diagnosing Each Other (paid subscribers)
When You’re Too Close to the Problem

News from Kathleen

Reading: My Murder by Katie Williams.

Speaking: This Friday, Oct 24th, I’ll be speaking virtually to folks at the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education.

Buy my books True to You and Everything Isn’t Terrible for more in-depth stories of people working on their relationships and themselves. If you love them, consider giving them a review on Amazon so other folks can find them. If you haven’t gotten the free digital workbooks for them, email me.