One of my favorite questions, especially in couples work, is to ask people, What’s challenging about you? What do people encounter when they try to relate to you, or work with you? It’s not what people say, but their capacity to give an answer, that will tell you a lot. In tense times, people can be so focused on others that self-reflection feels like admitting defeat. When I ask the question, they hear, Tell me why is this also your fault, Denise. But this exercise isn’t about blame. It’s about observing how our autopilot bumps up against other people’s autopilot. Sometimes our automatic functioning is a great fit with others. Dial up the tension though, and what was once complementary is now a full-blown allergic reaction. So let me turn this exercise over to you. What’s challenging about having you as a . . .
But Kathleen, I am a delight, you might say. Allow yourself the grace to reflect. People (not me of course) say things like:
Awareness isn’t the entire fix. I could give you a 100-item list about what’s challenging about me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be on autopilot more days than not. But think about the difference it makes when a leader asks themselves this question before going into an important meeting. Before someone heads home for the holidays. When they are sitting with a friend who is thinking about a challenge. Before they send a reactive text to someone they’re dating. They see the opening for more flexible functioning. Now take your little list and try flipping it, to get some ideas:
Well that’ll keep you busy, won’t it? Somewhere to put your energy instead of fixing others. Maturing isn’t about making things easier for other people. It’s not about slicing the blame down the middle. It’s about creating flexibility in how we relate to others, which is as much a gift to ourselves. It’s fantastic if you have both people in a relationship doing this thinking. But you only need one to create the space for flexibility. Similar posts: News from KathleenReading: How Do We Know Ourselves? by David G. Myers. Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you please leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
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ponedjeljak, 18. kolovoza 2025.
What's Challenging About You?
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What's Challenging About You?
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