One of my favorite Frog and Toad stories is when Toad plants a garden. Frog says that growing a garden is hard work. And Toad, in Toad fashion, promptly misinterprets this observation. He orders the seeds to grow. He reads them a story. He sings them songs and recites poetry. Only after he falls asleep from exhaustion do little green shoots appear. When I am tense, I am Toad in his garden. I can spot at least one potential improvement for every person and every situation, and if I’m not careful, I’ll try to grow them into it. It’s useful to pay attention to the people in our lives. But when this monitoring is emotionally-driven, the boundaries between our responsibilities and others’ quietly blur. Sometimes at the end of the day, I will ask, “Where was I scanning, looking for something to fix? Willing someone to grow?” Have you ever scanned:
Scanning is an easy way to interact with people without really connecting with them. A fast food option on the relationship menu. People often think the goal is to keep their mouth shut (or go to sleep like Toad) while others find their way. Sometimes it is. But we can also try to engage with people instead of scanning. You could:
Where have you been on scan mode lately? Is it watching your wife drive (and criticizing the small stuff)? Watching your sister manage her kids? Watching your aging mother eat her delicious processed snacks? When you pick your kids up from childcare? In a work meeting where tension is high? Scanning is one way to get steady. But it’s not a way to get interested in others, or for others to get interested in themselves. And we all know how it feels when someone is anxiously monitoring us. We tend to fight back, avoid them, or give up and let them take over. There’s no growing in those reactions. The hard work in our relationships is often respecting people’s capacity to grow on their own terms. We can try and rush that process, or we can start to be interested in how people find their way. Similar posts: Learning to Let People Be Disappointed Where People Put the Problem (paid subscribers) The Art of Letting People Cook (paid subscribers) Who Are You Growing Up in Your Head? News from KathleenGuys, I went to see THE Jean Smart on Broadway with my fangirl friends. She did not disappoint. It was a pleasure to be on Steph Wong’s new podcast, in Real Life, where we talked about mom guilt and parenting anxiety. YouTube Spotify Apple Podcasts Listening to: Fr. Richard Rohr on Pete Holmes’s podcast You Made it Weird. They are both a delight. Reading: The Waverly Gallery by Kenneth Lonergan. Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) If you bought my book on Amazon, could you please leave a review? I’m in need of some more so other folks can find it. Thanks!
Want to read more of my writing? Read my other book, Everything Isn’t Terrible, or my newsletter archives. Paid subscribers can access the entire archive. Email me if you want me to speak to your group or are interested in doing coaching with me. Follow me on Linkedin, Facebook, or Instagram. You're currently a free subscriber to The Anxious Overachiever. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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srijeda, 6. kolovoza 2025.
Turning Off Your Anxious Scanner
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