🌀 Home alone

How to navigate feeling lonely in your family.

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Buckle up, fellow lonely folks. The next 60 days are sure to be filled with an endless stream of holiday family cheer in movies, TV, and your social feeds. And if your actual family dynamic is a little (or a lot) more complicated than that, this time of year can feel especially lonely. Which, I get.    I live about 1,000 miles away from my immediate family and often feel like I'm missing out—on important events, on watching my nieces and nephews grow up, and on simply spending time with my people when I know that time is limited. But I also know what it's like to feel lonely even when you're surrounded by family—like when your differences in views or values or life experiences make it kinda hard to believe you're cut from the same cloth.   Maybe you can relate, or maybe you're dealing with a different type of loneliness in your family life, like estrangement, grief, or abandonment. Whatever you're going through, please remember that there is no one way to have and be a part of a family—despite what all the holiday movies lead you to believe. And longing for a deeper family connection—for whatever reason—is normal and valid. We hope the tips in this issue help you find it.   —Casey Gueren, VP, Head of Content       Hold the all-or-nothing thinking. Most of us have a tendency to put our families and how we feel about them into a neatly wrapped box, says licensed therapist Alo Johnston, LMFT. You either had a good childhood or a bad childhood. They tried their best or they caused you trauma. You have a great relationship with them or you have your therapist on standby whenever you visit them. This all-or-nothing thinking might seem easier than accepting the messy truth (that your family has brought you both joy and pain over the years), but it doesn't actually do you any favors.  Instead, Johnston suggests holding space for the whole story—rather than trying to totally villainize or totally empathize. If you're feeling anxious about family time, try thinking or journaling about both the positives and the shortcomings of your family life. Let yourself grieve the things you're missing from your relatives and also make a point to acknowledge the good stuff.    "You have to let yourself feel all of those things so you can actually enjoy what's in front of you," says Johnston. "Then, potentially, you can go home for the holidays and be like, This is actually OK. I'm not just pretending. This actually feels OK because I've accepted these people as fully human and forgiven where I can and created boundaries to deal with the things I can't forgive."       • How to deal when you're the only one in your family who goes to therapy • 9 candid tips from people who are estranged from their families • Yes, your birth order actually does impact your mental health • 6 surprising things people learned in family therapy       Turn friends into chosen family.    If your family dynamic leaves a lot to be desired, you might have heard of the concept of a "chosen family" or "found family" and thought, Yes please, where can I buy one of those? If this is brand new to you, chosen family is family that you choose, whether that includes friends that feel like kin or just a few members of your family that you feel especially safe and close with.   "If you happen upon your friends, say because you go to school together, that alone is sometimes not enough to create or sustain a familial sense of community," says licensed therapist Moe Ari Brown, LMFT. "But if you choose your friends in an intentional way, they could be on the journey toward becoming your chosen family." Here are some tips for finding these folks: • Go where your values are. Expand your social circle intentionally by spending more time in spaces that align with your values, whether that's hitting up board game night at your local LGBTQ+ center, perusing the nearest craft fair, or (don't hate us) joining clubs that speak to you. • Don't be shy about your intentions. While you don't need to announce, "I'm looking for chosen family!" to every new friend, it's nice to let people know that you enjoy their vibe and want to keep hanging out with them. It can be as simple as texting, "It was great grabbing lunch! I'd love to make it a regular thing." Similarly, you can be upfront with the important people in your life and let them know that you've come to see them like family. • Give it time. "It's OK that this takes time to evolve," says Brown. "You're not doing it wrong if you don't form a deep, fast connection with someone."

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