Should I be worried about having too much alone time?
Have you gone a few weeks (or even months!) without socializing and you feel…not great? That's usually a pretty solid sign you've crossed from casual hermitting to a full-on isolation spiral. Whether you're staying inside for long periods, blowing off social commitments, or simply ignoring texts, "the difference between being content on your own and negative self-isolation comes down to the narrative you tell yourself about it," says therapist Briana Mills, LMFT. "You may be doing activities that usually bring you joy, but then you start to think, I'm doing the same thing every day. I'm not talking to anyone. I'm a loser. What's wrong with me?"
We'll get to unpacking that negative self-talk later, but before that, let's start with why we self-isolate—even when we know it's not the best for us.
As you might imagine, everyone is different—and you might even have more than one motivation behind your tendency to seclude yourself. Depression and anxiety can both play a big role, says therapist Mary Houston, LCSW, thanks to symptoms that get in the way of our ability and desire to connect.
For example, depression can zap you of energy, motivation, and confidence, making even the thought of being around others exhausting. Meanwhile, if you have an anxiety disorder, isolating might feel less overwhelming than navigating unfamiliar environments, says Houston. And then there's social anxiety, which can make you more sensitive to perceived judgment, rejection, or social flubs—all things you might rather avoid, thank you very much.
The world outside your door might influence your urge to stay secluded, too. Maybe your own company feels like the easiest, nicest, or safest option these days, especially in our political climate. "A lot of people don't necessarily feel like they understand one another in this day and age," Mills says. "Many of us are looking at the world and thinking, I don't get people, which can lead to wondering, How do I even connect with others? Where do I belong?" And when those questions don't have easy answers, isolation can feel like the simplest path.
Once you're on that path, it's annoyingly easy to stay on it. "Self-judgment thrives in isolation—all of these cognitive distortions start to spiral," Houston says. "You start thinking, It's been too long. It'll be weird if I reach out. I don't remember how to be around people. I should just keep to myself." Which is pretty much a recipe for falling into a self-perpetuating cycle, she notes.
But even after you recognize you don't want to hibernate from the world, actually getting out of your head and back to the land of the living can be a whole other ordeal. So what do you do?
Keep reading for 5 expert tips on how to break out of a self-isolation spiral.
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