Sometimes life doesn't go your way. You don't get your dream job, your relationship falls apart, you mess up in a very public way—whatever it is that goes horribly wrong, it all sends your mind to the same sucky place: I feel like a failure. Well, if it's any consolation, we can assure you this feeling is incredibly common.
"We live in a very goals-driven society," says psychotherapist Zarmina Khan, MEd. "We go to school, we go to work, we're expected to grow and accomplish things. We have all these benchmarks of what a 'successful' life is supposed to look like." And when we don't meet those milestones when and how we want to, of course it can leave us feeling terrible.
Not to mention the impact of the past couple of years, which Khan notes threw a lot of people's plans right out the window. Thanks to the so-called pandemic skip, many of us still feel like we're playing catch-up. "It's not a you problem—we've been operating under very unusual circumstances, and there's nothing wrong with your life not going according to plan right now," Khan says.
So, if you're feeling like you aren't measuring up, here are some therapist-backed tips for shaking that failure feeling and getting back on track.
1. Feel the feels.
Before jumping into solutions, Khan says it's crucial to make space for your feelings. "You might feel disappointed, sad, let down, hurt, embarrassed—all of these are normal feelings to have," she says. Journaling can be a powerful tool to express your emotions, as can chatting with a trusted friend or therapist. Anything but brushing them off or burying them deep.
Just watch out for the potential spiral. "It's important to be mindful of your inner critic showing up," Khan says. "You want to validate your feelings without falling into thoughts like, I'm a failure or I can never do anything right."
2. Rethink the word "fail."
Go ahead and imagine the use of heavy air quotes whenever we use that word in this article. Contrary to what many of us learned growing up, success and failure aren't mutually exclusive—they often coexist. So Khan recommends shifting how you talk about your "failures" to ease the shame and hurt that often accompany the idea, says Khan.
Instead of more emotionally charged language, she suggests terms like "setback," "mistake," or "unwanted outcome." "'Something that didn't go as planned' is more approachable and less intimidating than the self-critical and all-encompassing weight of 'failure,'" she says.
Keep reading for 5 more tips on reframing that failure feeling.
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