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What Does it Take for a Group to Function Up? (Part 1)

Paying attention to how triangles eat up energy

Kathleen Smith

Jul 30

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One of my favorite questions to ask people is, “What do you think it takes for groups to begin to function up?”

And by function up, I mean solve problems and move in the direction of their goals.

Notice the question is not, “What do you think this particular group needs to do?” Because I’m less interested in starting with the specifics of a particular family or organization. I’m more interested in what’s universal.

What kind of functioning gives people a better chance of hearing each other, respecting each other’s individuality, and also moving forward together in solving a problem?

One idea in Bowen theory is that a group functions better when less tension is managed through triangles. When people automatically involve a third person or party in how they manage tension, you’ve got a triangle.

Want to get a sense of how much a group uses triangles to manage tension?

How much do people:

Complain to third parties to feel better.
Recruit others to speak for them or deliver messages.
Need somebody to blame together to feel better.
Need somebody to worry about together to feel better.
Try to recruit people to their side against a third person or another group.

Woof, right? These are universal and predictable ways of responding to tension. But they are not particularly flexible. They eat up a tremendous amount of energy from the system, which has a finite amount.

How much energy does a group spend mopping up the tension through relationship patterns, and how much energy is left to make something happen?

Triangles tend to take the wind out of our sails. If you complain to a colleague about your boss, you might feel comfortable enough that you don’t go to them with your thinking. If one parent always tells you how the other is doing, there’s not much incentive to reach out to them.

So let’s flip those original bullet points around to get some ideas about what functioning up might look like.

How much do people:

Take their thinking to people who could benefit from having access to it.
Try to represent themselves in larger conversations.
Think about their part, rather than how others need to function differently.
Talk to a person about themselves and their thinking, rather than complaining/gossiping about others.
Make an effort to understand how others see the challenges in the group.
Make an effort to manage their own anxiety without involving others.
Believe in their own position enough that they don’t constantly seek agreement or reassurance.

When people begin to think about triangles in a system, they often try to teach others how to not use them. It can be much more useful to ask yourself, what is my part in creating more flexibility? How do I manage my own reactivity so that it doesn’t spill over into these patterns? And if I am pulled in the pattern, how do I want to function?

What I love about these lists is that they provide endless opportunities for managing yourself differently. People are going to come to you with complaints. They’re going to invite you to function for them. They’re going to offer to function for you. These are all chances to opt out of the usual way of doing business. To not take these detours through third parties that keep us comfortable and slow us down. To ask yourself:

How do I want to represent my thinking?

Whom do I want to move towards?

Whose thinking would it be useful to have?

What communication is more about calming myself down that really thinking about challenges?

What can happen in a system when even one or a few people are taking this on? When they aren’t announcing what they’re doing, but are simply starting to manage themselves a little more responsibly? Consider running this experiment, and let me know how it goes.

Want to learn more about triangles? Here’s some of my past writing:

News from Kathleen

I’ll be in the Kansas City area on Aug 20th for my next book event with Rainy Day Books. RSVP here.

Buy my new book, True to You! (If you didn’t get the preorder bonus workbook, just reply to this email letting me know where you bought the book, and I’m happy to email you one.) And if you read it, PLEASE REVIEW IT! Those stars help others find it.