How can I be there for someone who self-harms?
Despite the strides we've made in normalizing so many mental health topics, self-harm still seems to be taboo—thanks in part to the stigmatizing assumption that self-harm is just a means for gaining attention or sympathy, says therapist Arielle Mach, LCSW.
Being faced with self-harm might ring alarm bells, but it's not usually like what you've seen in movies. Of course, anytime someone hurts themself on purpose it is serious, but it doesn't mean they want to end their life. It's also not uncommon. "Self-harm should be treated like any other mental health issue—any other thing that a person is struggling with," says Mach. And, with the right support, it can get better.
Because this is such a complex mental health issue, you shouldn't try to handle it all on your own, says Mach. Ideally, your person would also seek help from a licensed mental health professional trained in treating self-harm, she notes. But there are ways you can be there for them, according to mental health professionals who treat self-harm.
1. Leave your judgment at the door.
People who self-harm are often scared to be judged for it, says Mach. That can make being open about it a struggle. "I think people are more comfortable sharing things like, 'I feel depressed' or 'I feel anxious,' but there's still a very big stigma around harming yourself on purpose," she explains.
If they feel judged, they may not be open about their self-harm. Instead, they'll shut down without asking for the support they likely need from you, explains Mach. Saying something like, "I'm so sorry you're going through this. This must be really hard. Do you want to talk about what's going on?" shows your loved one that you're not going to look at them differently, she says. It's better than, 'You shouldn't do that,' or, 'I wish you wouldn't do that.' Even if you mean well, statements like those make people feel ashamed, Mach notes.
You also might not understand why they're self-harming. But asking questions to learn more about their perspective can keep the convo going in a non-shamey way. Say, "I'm really trying to understand what's going on with you. Can you tell me a little bit more about what triggers your self-harm?" suggests Mach. They might not even know the answer, so that's OK too. You're not there to interrogate them!
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